Mix & Match

Seriously, so sick of planning for people's birthday, or rather i should say, planning for a day to go out with the specific person. Its always either our time clashes if not busy and what not. Really tired of this. People, stop telling me you are busy with this and that or fucking shit. Can't you hear yourself at the end of the day that all that you said are excuses. Its all about time management and prioritization. FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

I really did put in effort to start my projects for you people that i care, but i guess you people just don't appreciate it, is it that hard to make a fucking day for me. For all that i have planned in my mind, not worth any of your time? NO? NO?! THEN FUCK IT.

There's a few people that honestly, i would like to apologize for a gazillion times but its all in the mind and not put to action cause i dun wanna go appearing out of nowhere. But yea, i shall apologize to you, i know i was such a stupid and childish asshole, saying all those shit to you, but yea, i am really glad you found someone much much much better than me. I guess i was just an immature brat back then. Oh well.

Have you ever wanna get attached but yet at the same time wanna be single? I have had such thoughts often. Its like you really feel like getting attached but yet you feel you wont be good enough for the other person, material and non-material wise so much that you would eventually decide to be single. I am such conflicted soul.

Neither acknowledgement nor disregard.

Shake It Out

I think i will try and rectify, only to crash again.

Just when i have been keeping my temper in check, everyone just keep trying to test it. Just because i didn't flare, doesn't mean i am a pushover. It's just that when i actually flare, you won't see yourself anywhere near happy. Just felt that i am taken for granted and that if you want to step over me, tell me, i did even let you punch me. Maybe the reason i hadn't flare up is that i am used to this shit, to the point i am fine with it. I am not saying i am immune to this, i am disappointed but it's like 'i dun wanna be anal and make things difficult and awkward'. I am getting hypocritical and i pretty much hate myself for acting like a bitch. Oh well, life is tough.

No matter how i look at it, i am behind time.

Calliope

Why isn't anyone telling me i am fucked up.

Sometimes i just don't understand girls, no, i should say more than often. It's driving me crazy. Oh well, my fuse is close to burnt out so either some lights can be shed if not it did be houdini act. I think too much about what you are thinking that makes me speak gibberish. Don't leave me dumb founded. Be nice.

This aside, i saw an old man dressed preppily with a newspaper boy cap, along with his aged wife. I mean even at this age, celebrating valentines day with a simple meal at a coffee shop, how sweet is that. He caught my eyes and i just smiled at him and he returned a smile which is ever so faint yet nice. How sweet is that sight. At that instant, i wanted to capture the image down but to my dismay, i have no camera to snap away with.

If you realised how messed up i am, please let me know.

'Cause you're hot and you're cold, You're yes then you're no, You're in then you're out, You're up then you're down.

Discern

If i could find a purpose.

I realised one thing, i always do things halfway, when i am about to get done or that thing/someone is within reach, i give up, its like the purpose to carry on just puff up into vacuum. I am just a quitter.

P.S Sometimes i wonder, am i treating it like a game, its like a kid's ego, like a challenge accepted. I think i am just warped, to the brink of being scary. Yeah, i cringe at my own warped thoughts. I am trying to steer away from this but it gets addictive. And then when its the way i wanted it, my balls shrink and all over it goes, this is when i am an asshole, and its really scary.

THE CHASE. ITS SCARY. IT CONSUMES YOU.

That explains why.

Well, That's The Thing

One week left. I suddenly feel panicky, not because i am scared of enlisting, but because i have unfulfilled business to handle.

When things changed, i don't. Not going to do anything to turn it around. Unless its my fault that i messed it up, but more than often i don't feel that its my fault, so dun try to make me guilty of it. Not going to rectify any shit that i didnt do. So yea, suck it up people. Pretty sick and tired of giving a fucking damn for friends that actually imposed the guilty feeling on me.

The different grades of friends we have.

Dust On The Ground

Thoughts rampant, words lost.

It has been long since i last been to a wake. Yesterday, i went to my friend's dad wake since 4pm till 7am this morning. When i first reached, it hit me hard enough that i am at a loss of words. I mean for him to lose someone that close and coping that well, it left me thinking, can i be the same as him or will i just lose sight? Shudders at every thought and looking at his dad laying right inside just siphon even the simplest thing right out of my mind, as if i am a walking dead.

That aside, i saw Alvy and Hobart there as well. Alvy especially since we had not talked since an incident and it was a pretty good catch up with him. He really matured quite a lot compared to when he was still sec 2. And its really nice of him to tell me that he really missed the time we hanged out together when i was sec 4 and he was sec 2 and that, that was the most memorable days that he had in secondary school. I mean like seriously, i am a sucker for this kind of comments. Be it from a guy or girl.

And lastly, this few nights i have been thinking a lot, and i think i really have inferior complex. There's just too much pessimism in me that causes my confidence level to ebb. I think i am just another ball-less loser. So many fears that couldn't be contained but could easily be concealed under the veil of awesomeness.

When you worry too much, your worries becomes reality.

Miss or Not, No Matter

Love can happen anywhere, at any time.

Ya know, this statement made me wonder, is it like a love relationship it's referring to or making love. Its like when someone breaks up with her boyfriend and feel that her world has collapsed and she miss him and blah blah blah every single day of these two months, and all of a sudden, she got together with another party. I mean it makes me wonder how much love is involved. How hard the bed creaks each night instead of emotionally.

It totally makes me think that either she is desperate, or that she is too used to having a guy right there for her. It appears that if she is without a boyfriend, her life is meaningless. Come on, get a life, you do know that your life sucks. Think about how people will perceived you. I mean its pretty disgusting if you are just using another guy to forget your ex and if not you are an utter slut desperate for guy. Either way, you suck. Don't go telling people that you ain't a whore when the next moment you are seen as a whore.

Anyway, with all these said, i do shun away and give up because i don't really know what love is and i might continue doing just that. There's just too many factors involved that deters me. A constant barrage of 'no' to going into a relationship.

Sorry if the above story seems applicable to you, but this was the most recent case and i have known quite a few others that have the same life diss-gusting story.

Steer your destiny's hot rod before its too late to earn any epitaph.