Smile

Disappointment comes in all form.

It pretty much speaks about me. My expectation of others and myself.

Pretty glad i am going India for detachment, getting away from all that has been bothering my mind.

Knowledge is everything. 7 more days. All hell will break loose.

Honestly, sometimes i just hope my dad will just die. I am not ashamed that i have harbored such thoughts, neither am i glad. I just think i am being honest with myself.

Stop saying things you don't mean.

MUSE

By what right do i have to want anyone?
When i am the sacrificial lamb and the things you do make me think otherwise, how hard can it be for me to get use to it.
People just make me sick. All those empty promises.


Each thought is separate and might not relate to the same person.

You cant be my muse anymore.

Bulletproof

You frightened me.

I guess right now you should have realised, we are drifting further apart. When you simply can't be bothered to reply, i simply can't be bothered to contact you anymore. It ain't the same as before. The reason why i ain't doing anything is because i feel obliged to, not a want by me.

No matter how we try to paint a picture, its just a pretty facade.

I guess if i could lose you, i could lose anyone.

Excerpt

Evans woke up from his sleep and started behaving like a child, getting his mum to feed him fruits. Never had he permitted that, but at that instance, he indulged in his memories as a child for the first time since he grew up. He never let his emotions show, guarding even the closest people around him. It isn't easy to live a life of his, given that he had actually always been blessed with many many small joys. People always thought of him as queer and weird, and he is hard to be with, but the fact is, he wouldn't want people who he know would eventually become close to him, be close.

He utterly detest 3 things, empty promises, disappointment and losing people. Disappointment especially, took a huge chunk out of his life, setbacks are his biggest burden that he always carry with him to make sure he doesn't end up failing again. He always felt that he don't deserve all that he have and could have due to a past incident. If someone is undeserving, how can he ever let anyone be near and settle for this mediocre self. Its an insult to the very being.

A child with many hidden feelings.

Mix & Match

Seriously, so sick of planning for people's birthday, or rather i should say, planning for a day to go out with the specific person. Its always either our time clashes if not busy and what not. Really tired of this. People, stop telling me you are busy with this and that or fucking shit. Can't you hear yourself at the end of the day that all that you said are excuses. Its all about time management and prioritization. FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

I really did put in effort to start my projects for you people that i care, but i guess you people just don't appreciate it, is it that hard to make a fucking day for me. For all that i have planned in my mind, not worth any of your time? NO? NO?! THEN FUCK IT.

There's a few people that honestly, i would like to apologize for a gazillion times but its all in the mind and not put to action cause i dun wanna go appearing out of nowhere. But yea, i shall apologize to you, i know i was such a stupid and childish asshole, saying all those shit to you, but yea, i am really glad you found someone much much much better than me. I guess i was just an immature brat back then. Oh well.

Have you ever wanna get attached but yet at the same time wanna be single? I have had such thoughts often. Its like you really feel like getting attached but yet you feel you wont be good enough for the other person, material and non-material wise so much that you would eventually decide to be single. I am such conflicted soul.

Neither acknowledgement nor disregard.

Shake It Out

I think i will try and rectify, only to crash again.

Just when i have been keeping my temper in check, everyone just keep trying to test it. Just because i didn't flare, doesn't mean i am a pushover. It's just that when i actually flare, you won't see yourself anywhere near happy. Just felt that i am taken for granted and that if you want to step over me, tell me, i did even let you punch me. Maybe the reason i hadn't flare up is that i am used to this shit, to the point i am fine with it. I am not saying i am immune to this, i am disappointed but it's like 'i dun wanna be anal and make things difficult and awkward'. I am getting hypocritical and i pretty much hate myself for acting like a bitch. Oh well, life is tough.

No matter how i look at it, i am behind time.

Calliope

Why isn't anyone telling me i am fucked up.

Sometimes i just don't understand girls, no, i should say more than often. It's driving me crazy. Oh well, my fuse is close to burnt out so either some lights can be shed if not it did be houdini act. I think too much about what you are thinking that makes me speak gibberish. Don't leave me dumb founded. Be nice.

This aside, i saw an old man dressed preppily with a newspaper boy cap, along with his aged wife. I mean even at this age, celebrating valentines day with a simple meal at a coffee shop, how sweet is that. He caught my eyes and i just smiled at him and he returned a smile which is ever so faint yet nice. How sweet is that sight. At that instant, i wanted to capture the image down but to my dismay, i have no camera to snap away with.

If you realised how messed up i am, please let me know.

'Cause you're hot and you're cold, You're yes then you're no, You're in then you're out, You're up then you're down.