Road to Nowhere

Emptied.

Heart to heart talk anyone?

Levels

Travelling to a place that is of a faster timezone, what happened to the 'lost' time? Does it mean we traveled through time?

Coming back ain't so sweet after all. Doesn't seem so different. It's like the world just passes by without holding on to my excitement.

Watched 'You are the apple of my eye' and honestly, i can say, i miss studying and would give it all to study again, to work hard and do well.

Reminded of the time when i was walking on the streets of Taiwan, trying to find the famous Yong He Tao Huey, partly to have a taste of it and also to hold onto some warmth against the chilly weather. Makes me want to travel again with awesome company.

There are quite a few people that i would really love to travel with, but i doubt it will happened, oh well, such is life, people are perfunctory, we say for the sake of saying, giving words so often that it becomes trash.

The reason why i dislike responsibility towards other. To sink into this vicious trap set by the world.

I still dislike the world i am in.

Some Nights

We accept the love we think we deserve.

This is pretty true. I guess we can tell whether someone has inferior complex or not.
Most of us often felt that we are finite and we are nothing. But little do we see that we are something to some people or even to ourselves. Someday we were all be part of a certain photograph, but right now we are real, controlling what will eventually become of us. That we are not some sad soul. We are alive and wondering. That we are infinite.


I guess i just need more of this moment. I want to be with people i care about and to drive around and do all things without giving a hoot about any micro matters. Right now, i just want to shout without concern. On top of that, i wanna get inked. Already had a rough idea planned. Let see how all this fold out.


5 more days and i am gone, pretty glad yet not that i am flying off for quite a substantial amount of days. What if i lose myself while being there? Will i get stopped or will i stop?

Airbase, a place i can shout till my lungs hurt and no one will give a damn for they cant hear me when aircraft takes off. It takes a part of me away too. Guess i will be pretty lost in a foreign place for quite a while but oh well, time to step out of my comfort zone. Life is like a candle. We burn and we leave marks of our presence. It's just a matter whether we are burning away our life without purpose or make it fulfilling.

I need not answer to my crimes. Label me however you want. Avoiding so i won't falter.

What do i stand for? what do i stand? Most nights, i don't know anymore.

I am a wallflower.

Smile

Disappointment comes in all form.

It pretty much speaks about me. My expectation of others and myself.

Pretty glad i am going India for detachment, getting away from all that has been bothering my mind.

Knowledge is everything. 7 more days. All hell will break loose.

Honestly, sometimes i just hope my dad will just die. I am not ashamed that i have harbored such thoughts, neither am i glad. I just think i am being honest with myself.

Stop saying things you don't mean.

MUSE

By what right do i have to want anyone?
When i am the sacrificial lamb and the things you do make me think otherwise, how hard can it be for me to get use to it.
People just make me sick. All those empty promises.


Each thought is separate and might not relate to the same person.

You cant be my muse anymore.

Bulletproof

You frightened me.

I guess right now you should have realised, we are drifting further apart. When you simply can't be bothered to reply, i simply can't be bothered to contact you anymore. It ain't the same as before. The reason why i ain't doing anything is because i feel obliged to, not a want by me.

No matter how we try to paint a picture, its just a pretty facade.

I guess if i could lose you, i could lose anyone.

Excerpt

Evans woke up from his sleep and started behaving like a child, getting his mum to feed him fruits. Never had he permitted that, but at that instance, he indulged in his memories as a child for the first time since he grew up. He never let his emotions show, guarding even the closest people around him. It isn't easy to live a life of his, given that he had actually always been blessed with many many small joys. People always thought of him as queer and weird, and he is hard to be with, but the fact is, he wouldn't want people who he know would eventually become close to him, be close.

He utterly detest 3 things, empty promises, disappointment and losing people. Disappointment especially, took a huge chunk out of his life, setbacks are his biggest burden that he always carry with him to make sure he doesn't end up failing again. He always felt that he don't deserve all that he have and could have due to a past incident. If someone is undeserving, how can he ever let anyone be near and settle for this mediocre self. Its an insult to the very being.

A child with many hidden feelings.

Mix & Match

Seriously, so sick of planning for people's birthday, or rather i should say, planning for a day to go out with the specific person. Its always either our time clashes if not busy and what not. Really tired of this. People, stop telling me you are busy with this and that or fucking shit. Can't you hear yourself at the end of the day that all that you said are excuses. Its all about time management and prioritization. FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

I really did put in effort to start my projects for you people that i care, but i guess you people just don't appreciate it, is it that hard to make a fucking day for me. For all that i have planned in my mind, not worth any of your time? NO? NO?! THEN FUCK IT.

There's a few people that honestly, i would like to apologize for a gazillion times but its all in the mind and not put to action cause i dun wanna go appearing out of nowhere. But yea, i shall apologize to you, i know i was such a stupid and childish asshole, saying all those shit to you, but yea, i am really glad you found someone much much much better than me. I guess i was just an immature brat back then. Oh well.

Have you ever wanna get attached but yet at the same time wanna be single? I have had such thoughts often. Its like you really feel like getting attached but yet you feel you wont be good enough for the other person, material and non-material wise so much that you would eventually decide to be single. I am such conflicted soul.

Neither acknowledgement nor disregard.

Shake It Out

I think i will try and rectify, only to crash again.

Just when i have been keeping my temper in check, everyone just keep trying to test it. Just because i didn't flare, doesn't mean i am a pushover. It's just that when i actually flare, you won't see yourself anywhere near happy. Just felt that i am taken for granted and that if you want to step over me, tell me, i did even let you punch me. Maybe the reason i hadn't flare up is that i am used to this shit, to the point i am fine with it. I am not saying i am immune to this, i am disappointed but it's like 'i dun wanna be anal and make things difficult and awkward'. I am getting hypocritical and i pretty much hate myself for acting like a bitch. Oh well, life is tough.

No matter how i look at it, i am behind time.

Calliope

Why isn't anyone telling me i am fucked up.

Sometimes i just don't understand girls, no, i should say more than often. It's driving me crazy. Oh well, my fuse is close to burnt out so either some lights can be shed if not it did be houdini act. I think too much about what you are thinking that makes me speak gibberish. Don't leave me dumb founded. Be nice.

This aside, i saw an old man dressed preppily with a newspaper boy cap, along with his aged wife. I mean even at this age, celebrating valentines day with a simple meal at a coffee shop, how sweet is that. He caught my eyes and i just smiled at him and he returned a smile which is ever so faint yet nice. How sweet is that sight. At that instant, i wanted to capture the image down but to my dismay, i have no camera to snap away with.

If you realised how messed up i am, please let me know.

'Cause you're hot and you're cold, You're yes then you're no, You're in then you're out, You're up then you're down.

Discern

If i could find a purpose.

I realised one thing, i always do things halfway, when i am about to get done or that thing/someone is within reach, i give up, its like the purpose to carry on just puff up into vacuum. I am just a quitter.

P.S Sometimes i wonder, am i treating it like a game, its like a kid's ego, like a challenge accepted. I think i am just warped, to the brink of being scary. Yeah, i cringe at my own warped thoughts. I am trying to steer away from this but it gets addictive. And then when its the way i wanted it, my balls shrink and all over it goes, this is when i am an asshole, and its really scary.

THE CHASE. ITS SCARY. IT CONSUMES YOU.

That explains why.

Well, That's The Thing

One week left. I suddenly feel panicky, not because i am scared of enlisting, but because i have unfulfilled business to handle.

When things changed, i don't. Not going to do anything to turn it around. Unless its my fault that i messed it up, but more than often i don't feel that its my fault, so dun try to make me guilty of it. Not going to rectify any shit that i didnt do. So yea, suck it up people. Pretty sick and tired of giving a fucking damn for friends that actually imposed the guilty feeling on me.

The different grades of friends we have.

Dust On The Ground

Thoughts rampant, words lost.

It has been long since i last been to a wake. Yesterday, i went to my friend's dad wake since 4pm till 7am this morning. When i first reached, it hit me hard enough that i am at a loss of words. I mean for him to lose someone that close and coping that well, it left me thinking, can i be the same as him or will i just lose sight? Shudders at every thought and looking at his dad laying right inside just siphon even the simplest thing right out of my mind, as if i am a walking dead.

That aside, i saw Alvy and Hobart there as well. Alvy especially since we had not talked since an incident and it was a pretty good catch up with him. He really matured quite a lot compared to when he was still sec 2. And its really nice of him to tell me that he really missed the time we hanged out together when i was sec 4 and he was sec 2 and that, that was the most memorable days that he had in secondary school. I mean like seriously, i am a sucker for this kind of comments. Be it from a guy or girl.

And lastly, this few nights i have been thinking a lot, and i think i really have inferior complex. There's just too much pessimism in me that causes my confidence level to ebb. I think i am just another ball-less loser. So many fears that couldn't be contained but could easily be concealed under the veil of awesomeness.

When you worry too much, your worries becomes reality.

Miss or Not, No Matter

Love can happen anywhere, at any time.

Ya know, this statement made me wonder, is it like a love relationship it's referring to or making love. Its like when someone breaks up with her boyfriend and feel that her world has collapsed and she miss him and blah blah blah every single day of these two months, and all of a sudden, she got together with another party. I mean it makes me wonder how much love is involved. How hard the bed creaks each night instead of emotionally.

It totally makes me think that either she is desperate, or that she is too used to having a guy right there for her. It appears that if she is without a boyfriend, her life is meaningless. Come on, get a life, you do know that your life sucks. Think about how people will perceived you. I mean its pretty disgusting if you are just using another guy to forget your ex and if not you are an utter slut desperate for guy. Either way, you suck. Don't go telling people that you ain't a whore when the next moment you are seen as a whore.

Anyway, with all these said, i do shun away and give up because i don't really know what love is and i might continue doing just that. There's just too many factors involved that deters me. A constant barrage of 'no' to going into a relationship.

Sorry if the above story seems applicable to you, but this was the most recent case and i have known quite a few others that have the same life diss-gusting story.

Steer your destiny's hot rod before its too late to earn any epitaph.

Talking To The Moon

NS is creeping nearer every minute and all i want is for me to master swimming. I have no mood for all else, not even clubbing nor playing poker. This totally sucks.

Oh, a note, i shall make it a point to backpack Japan, just one day, i did be gone from here, and there i did make my presence known. Another thing is that i hereby promise to pick up something during NS just for the sake of personal gratification.

All these aside, what's the woe of watching fashion shows? Apparently, it is the fact that the lack of money to don what those models are showcasing and the idea to create a personal line of fashion. I shall start my humble assault on the commonplace when inspirations strike. The woes aside, there's nothing to hate about it. You get the best of both world in admiring the beauty of ladies and the quaint pieces that shout statements. http://live.marcjacobs.com/live/ I love how Marc Jacobs kickoff his show. Very whimsical.

Bleak are the days ahead. Shallow water runs deep under cover.

In The Sun

Back from bangkok with Jeremy. I would say most of the trips are pretty interesting and even though i got scammed i still liked it, at least i experienced the feeling of getting scammed. I mean its minor scam not those huge scam that is pulled on me. The trip would have been better if i have much more cash and the fact i know i have ultra mood swing which annoyed Jeremy badly, but you cant blame me fully cuz what he said sometimes makes no sense, like trolling statements, and if it really is so, he got me. Also i am damn tired somehow there, as if there's major time shift, which is weird. Other than that, life's good there and i half learnt how to swim already. =D Thanks to Jeremy. Time to utilize every second that i am awake to its fullest. Ciao.

Restless.

Under The Influence

People that have affected me. I shall not talk about my family because its apparent that they have influenced me since young. In this post, it will be of people that i hang around with or know of that have made an impact in my life.

My artistic friend, Jian Wei, even though we don't hang out together at all, but just by looking at his artwork and whats not, it always make me feel like i got to draw and i am pretty thankful for the fact i even met him in my secondary school, a certain someone that i wanna be, someone musically and artistically inclined. I got to say, looking at his secondary school drawing makes me want to mimic his drawings. hehe.

To Evangeline, honestly, i felt that i lose a really good friend and i might never get you back, when i type this, its almost definite. haha. But i really like your company, the incessant talks and what's not that we had, how i subconsciously roll my eyes now. Even now when its someone else, i would try to find similarities between them and you. It felt like a part of me have never moved on, it lingers, waiting and waiting.

Andrik, the master of sensuality has definitely opened my world to a less innocent world than i would have thought, changed the way i speak and face people, for better or worse, i still love this big boy. A motivator like him paired with quirkiness.

You exposed me to sexuality and every single time this topic is up, be it in shows or through chatters, you flashed into my mind, and honestly, i hate every single guy friends that you have, but its okay since i have moved on. You may have scarred me but a man without scars ain't a real man.

Jia Wei, the guy that i got close to after secondary school, thanks for exposing me to the vast interest that you have, which makes me become a person with much more interest than before, even if it's all short-lived. lol. We fancy the same stuff more or less, like vintage and whats not, and as much as your attitude might come off as a little hypocritical or what, it doesn't matter, because your other qualities made up for it.

Julien, the hyperactive girl that remains in contact with me after so long. Oh, i mean temporary acquaintance as i won't even hear from her whenever she gets herself a boyfriend. A pretty sweet girl that is ever so busy with friends and the one that connects me to Jia Wei. Sometimes i wonder how she keep up with having so many friends and ever so busy schedule. I admit sometimes you annoy me with your foolishness but somehow we are still hanging out together.

As for you Hui Min, honestly, you annoy me with your ever so frequent tardiness and your ditching. Oh, not forgetting to say how hard it is to return after you borrowed something from me, honestly, none of the things i lend you, have i ever taken it back. So FUCK your life. you taught me that girls like you are always late, so i shouldn't be early, for you especially, i don't really feel bad when i am late meeting you. Call that retribution.

Last but not least, Pearle, one that is there to carry me when i am too lazy to move on, the one who taught me much about the people and influence me just by her words. Damn girl. In retrospect, i wouldn't have hang out with many if not for her. As promised, all is due by the end of today. ;)

But still, i got to thank society for shaping the best of me, or worst, whatever you guys deem i am, because you know without you assholes, i wouldn't be as awesome as i am.

On this day, i pledge, to be someone awesome.

Baby, Its Fact

Due to the backlog that i am facing, i have decided to clear all of it today!

Instead of having 2 different post, i have decided to combine it into one as i am not a food critic. Just trying to write it down for my future reference.

So i went for brunch at Wild Honey with Jia Wei & his sister(shamelessly tag along but we forgive her, as quoted from Jia Wei). We reached at 1130 but we were only given seats at 1230, roughly an hour's wait on a Sunday. The place is quite small(space limited) so i would recommend anyone who wants to eat there to reserve a seat instead of being a walk-in customer. The price of the food is pretty decent, at least for the English breakfast that i had, its so filling and the BACON is awesome. Pardon my carnal desire for pigs. Nawt, just kidding. For brunch at least, the whole place is as bustling as can be, fast-paced so you can't really lay back and relax. After eating, the only thing i feel like doing is to lay down and sleep. I am leading my life like a sloth, its sad, time to start calibrating my body clock and to train up for NS before i rot inside.

This aside, i just want to do up a list of facts about myself.

I think i am easily swayed by what people says, as much as i try not to be affected but somehow, words just seep pass my core fortitude and manifest itself.

I have weird thoughts like imagining how i would look like if i were to skin my own face and etc. Its like all these strange thoughts that makes me realised how weird i am and makes me agree with others that i am weird and different from the rest. I think i have the psychopath mentality.

Writer's block. I can't think of anything else as for now. I thought i have much to write, but i just can't seem to recall what i have in mind a few days ago.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i thought of one other fact, my confidence level is directly proportionate to the amount of money i have, so when i am only depleting my coffers without any input, my confidence level plunge straight down.

'Reality' is a relative concept.

Poker Face

I play for excitement.

Resist the temptation.

Poker has been pretty fun as of this point. It has been one of my two vices. Anyway, i have lost 100 bucks in a week for poker.

Some of my friends said i have been a aggressive poker player and it's hard to read whether i have decent cards or not, and some have been saying that i am easy to read and i like to spoil the market.

Fact is, i might be an aggressive player but i just seem to call 'All in' somehow, its like an addiction. It is just a stigma that there's no fun without any huge bets. Also, when i say all in before anyone does is because i know you guys will waste money if you all follow suit. I guess i wasn't really respecting the game, thus receiving karma.

Nelson said it is very exciting to play poker with me.

Nicholas said i am a very loose player and he likes me for it. lol.

KC said i have a very fixed style of playing. Like when i have cards that i can win with, i will play and give off an even stronger vibe than when i dun really have cards but still playing.

I am sorry Desmond, i will watch my play from now on, to prevent spoiling of market.

In the heat of passion, we do foolish stuff.

Have You Ever

I might be a lot of things, but when it counts, you can trust me.

Meet up with Daphne for dinner. Supposed to be dining at Broun, but seems like it has closed down, so we decided to try out Bar Bar Black Sheep. You got to give it to them, a cute and attractive name actually helps in getting business. tsk. Serving is actually pretty big and the price range is pretty wide but still i would say if you order the right stuff, it is affordable, very. Alcohol is reasonably priced, beer is pretty decent too, price and selection wise.

"I am cool in a weird way."

Oh, i kind of detest people chaffering, whats more yoke with those oh-so-big actions. Like seriously.(ijustrolledmyeyessubconsciously)

Suddenly i got a whole lot on my mind. I swear on my arms, in the future, if i even have one, i did have one room just to paint. I want painting to be one of the hobby that i know i did like, i just need to pursue it, however much it will frustrate me. Be it good or not, rich or poor. It did be a passion that i did chase. A forger i did make out of. That at least i did know that i have tried.

All's fair in love and war.

Usually, one hit wonders are the things that hit us most and leave us musing.

Would you want to have a masterpiece, or pieces that are just good but never good enough?