A Walking Irony

Discern

2012-01-22T21:40:00.004+08:00

If i could find a purpose.

I realised one thing, i always do things halfway, when i am about to get done or that thing/someone is within reach, i give up, its like the purpose to carry on just puff up into vacuum. I am just a quitter.

P.S Sometimes i wonder, am i treating it like a game, its like a kid's ego, like a challenge accepted. I think i am just warped, to the brink of being scary. Yeah, i cringe at my own warped thoughts. I am trying to steer away from this but it gets addictive. And then when its the way i wanted it, my balls shrink and all over it goes, this is when i am an asshole, and its really scary.

THE CHASE. ITS SCARY. IT CONSUMES YOU.

That explains why.

Well, That's The Thing

2011-11-01T22:36:00.002+08:00

One week left. I suddenly feel panicky, not because i am scared of enlisting, but because i have unfulfilled business to handle.

When things changed, i don't. Not going to do anything to turn it around. Unless its my fault that i messed it up, but more than often i don't feel that its my fault, so dun try to make me guilty of it. Not going to rectify any shit that i didnt do. So yea, suck it up people. Pretty sick and tired of giving a fucking damn for friends that actually imposed the guilty feeling on me.

The different grades of friends we have.

Dust On The Ground

2011-10-23T08:39:00.003+08:00

Thoughts rampant, words lost.

It has been long since i last been to a wake. Yesterday, i went to my friend's dad wake since 4pm till 7am this morning. When i first reached, it hit me hard enough that i am at a loss of words. I mean for him to lose someone that close and coping that well, it left me thinking, can i be the same as him or will i just lose sight? Shudders at every thought and looking at his dad laying right inside just siphon even the simplest thing right out of my mind, as if i am a walking dead.

That aside, i saw Alvy and Hobart there as well. Alvy especially since we had not talked since an incident and it was a pretty good catch up with him. He really matured quite a lot compared to when he was still sec 2. And its really nice of him to tell me that he really missed the time we hanged out together when i was sec 4 and he was sec 2 and that, that was the most memorable days that he had in secondary school. I mean like seriously, i am a sucker for this kind of comments. Be it from a guy or girl.

And lastly, this few nights i have been thinking a lot, and i think i really have inferior complex. There's just too much pessimism in me that causes my confidence level to ebb. I think i am just another ball-less loser. So many fears that couldn't be contained but could easily be concealed under the veil of awesomeness.

When you worry too much, your worries becomes reality.

Miss or Not, No Matter

2011-10-16T04:06:00.004+08:00

Love can happen anywhere, at any time.

Ya know, this statement made me wonder, is it like a love relationship it's referring to or making love. Its like when someone breaks up with her boyfriend and feel that her world has collapsed and she miss him and blah blah blah every single day of these two months, and all of a sudden, she got together with another party. I mean it makes me wonder how much love is involved. How hard the bed creaks each night instead of emotionally.

It totally makes me think that either she is desperate, or that she is too used to having a guy right there for her. It appears that if she is without a boyfriend, her life is meaningless. Come on, get a life, you do know that your life sucks. Think about how people will perceived you. I mean its pretty disgusting if you are just using another guy to forget your ex and if not you are an utter slut desperate for guy. Either way, you suck. Don't go telling people that you ain't a whore when the next moment you are seen as a whore.

Anyway, with all these said, i do shun away and give up because i don't really know what love is and i might continue doing just that. There's just too many factors involved that deters me. A constant barrage of 'no' to going into a relationship.

Sorry if the above story seems applicable to you, but this was the most recent case and i have known quite a few others that have the same life diss-gusting story.

Steer your destiny's hot rod before its too late to earn any epitaph.

Talking To The Moon

2011-10-11T23:29:00.004+08:00

NS is creeping nearer every minute and all i want is for me to master swimming. I have no mood for all else, not even clubbing nor playing poker. This totally sucks.

Oh, a note, i shall make it a point to backpack Japan, just one day, i did be gone from here, and there i did make my presence known. Another thing is that i hereby promise to pick up something during NS just for the sake of personal gratification.

All these aside, what's the woe of watching fashion shows? Apparently, it is the fact that the lack of money to don what those models are showcasing and the idea to create a personal line of fashion. I shall start my humble assault on the commonplace when inspirations strike. The woes aside, there's nothing to hate about it. You get the best of both world in admiring the beauty of ladies and the quaint pieces that shout statements. http://live.marcjacobs.com/live/ I love how Marc Jacobs kickoff his show. Very whimsical.

Bleak are the days ahead. Shallow water runs deep under cover.

In The Sun

2011-10-04T15:42:00.002+08:00

Back from bangkok with Jeremy. I would say most of the trips are pretty interesting and even though i got scammed i still liked it, at least i experienced the feeling of getting scammed. I mean its minor scam not those huge scam that is pulled on me. The trip would have been better if i have much more cash and the fact i know i have ultra mood swing which annoyed Jeremy badly, but you cant blame me fully cuz what he said sometimes makes no sense, like trolling statements, and if it really is so, he got me. Also i am damn tired somehow there, as if there's major time shift, which is weird. Other than that, life's good there and i half learnt how to swim already. =D Thanks to Jeremy. Time to utilize every second that i am awake to its fullest. Ciao.

Restless.

Under The Influence

2011-08-29T18:28:00.002+08:00

People that have affected me. I shall not talk about my family because its apparent that they have influenced me since young. In this post, it will be of people that i hang around with or know of that have made an impact in my life.

My artistic friend, Jian Wei, even though we don't hang out together at all, but just by looking at his artwork and whats not, it always make me feel like i got to draw and i am pretty thankful for the fact i even met him in my secondary school, a certain someone that i wanna be, someone musically and artistically inclined. I got to say, looking at his secondary school drawing makes me want to mimic his drawings. hehe.

To Evangeline, honestly, i felt that i lose a really good friend and i might never get you back, when i type this, its almost definite. haha. But i really like your company, the incessant talks and what's not that we had, how i subconsciously roll my eyes now. Even now when its someone else, i would try to find similarities between them and you. It felt like a part of me have never moved on, it lingers, waiting and waiting.

Andrik, the master of sensuality has definitely opened my world to a less innocent world than i would have thought, changed the way i speak and face people, for better or worse, i still love this big boy. A motivator like him paired with quirkiness.

You exposed me to sexuality and every single time this topic is up, be it in shows or through chatters, you flashed into my mind, and honestly, i hate every single guy friends that you have, but its okay since i have moved on. You may have scarred me but a man without scars ain't a real man.

Jia Wei, the guy that i got close to after secondary school, thanks for exposing me to the vast interest that you have, which makes me become a person with much more interest than before, even if it's all short-lived. lol. We fancy the same stuff more or less, like vintage and whats not, and as much as your attitude might come off as a little hypocritical or what, it doesn't matter, because your other qualities made up for it.

Julien, the hyperactive girl that remains in contact with me after so long. Oh, i mean temporary acquaintance as i won't even hear from her whenever she gets herself a boyfriend. A pretty sweet girl that is ever so busy with friends and the one that connects me to Jia Wei. Sometimes i wonder how she keep up with having so many friends and ever so busy schedule. I admit sometimes you annoy me with your foolishness but somehow we are still hanging out together.

As for you Hui Min, honestly, you annoy me with your ever so frequent tardiness and your ditching. Oh, not forgetting to say how hard it is to return after you borrowed something from me, honestly, none of the things i lend you, have i ever taken it back. So FUCK your life. you taught me that girls like you are always late, so i shouldn't be early, for you especially, i don't really feel bad when i am late meeting you. Call that retribution.

Last but not least, Pearle, one that is there to carry me when i am too lazy to move on, the one who taught me much about the people and influence me just by her words. Damn girl. In retrospect, i wouldn't have hang out with many if not for her. As promised, all is due by the end of today. ;)

But still, i got to thank society for shaping the best of me, or worst, whatever you guys deem i am, because you know without you assholes, i wouldn't be as awesome as i am.

On this day, i pledge, to be someone awesome.

Baby, Its Fact

2011-08-29T17:15:00.003+08:00

Due to the backlog that i am facing, i have decided to clear all of it today!

Instead of having 2 different post, i have decided to combine it into one as i am not a food critic. Just trying to write it down for my future reference.

So i went for brunch at Wild Honey with Jia Wei & his sister(shamelessly tag along but we forgive her, as quoted from Jia Wei). We reached at 1130 but we were only given seats at 1230, roughly an hour's wait on a Sunday. The place is quite small(space limited) so i would recommend anyone who wants to eat there to reserve a seat instead of being a walk-in customer. The price of the food is pretty decent, at least for the English breakfast that i had, its so filling and the BACON is awesome. Pardon my carnal desire for pigs. Nawt, just kidding. For brunch at least, the whole place is as bustling as can be, fast-paced so you can't really lay back and relax. After eating, the only thing i feel like doing is to lay down and sleep. I am leading my life like a sloth, its sad, time to start calibrating my body clock and to train up for NS before i rot inside.

This aside, i just want to do up a list of facts about myself.

I think i am easily swayed by what people says, as much as i try not to be affected but somehow, words just seep pass my core fortitude and manifest itself.

I have weird thoughts like imagining how i would look like if i were to skin my own face and etc. Its like all these strange thoughts that makes me realised how weird i am and makes me agree with others that i am weird and different from the rest. I think i have the psychopath mentality.

Writer's block. I can't think of anything else as for now. I thought i have much to write, but i just can't seem to recall what i have in mind a few days ago.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i thought of one other fact, my confidence level is directly proportionate to the amount of money i have, so when i am only depleting my coffers without any input, my confidence level plunge straight down.

'Reality' is a relative concept.

Poker Face

2011-08-14T08:59:00.004+08:00

I play for excitement.

Resist the temptation.

Poker has been pretty fun as of this point. It has been one of my two vices. Anyway, i have lost 100 bucks in a week for poker.

Some of my friends said i have been a aggressive poker player and it's hard to read whether i have decent cards or not, and some have been saying that i am easy to read and i like to spoil the market.

Fact is, i might be an aggressive player but i just seem to call 'All in' somehow, its like an addiction. It is just a stigma that there's no fun without any huge bets. Also, when i say all in before anyone does is because i know you guys will waste money if you all follow suit. I guess i wasn't really respecting the game, thus receiving karma.

Nelson said it is very exciting to play poker with me.

Nicholas said i am a very loose player and he likes me for it. lol.

KC said i have a very fixed style of playing. Like when i have cards that i can win with, i will play and give off an even stronger vibe than when i dun really have cards but still playing.

I am sorry Desmond, i will watch my play from now on, to prevent spoiling of market.

In the heat of passion, we do foolish stuff.

Have You Ever

2011-08-11T01:21:00.003+08:00

I might be a lot of things, but when it counts, you can trust me.

Meet up with Daphne for dinner. Supposed to be dining at Broun, but seems like it has closed down, so we decided to try out Bar Bar Black Sheep. You got to give it to them, a cute and attractive name actually helps in getting business. tsk. Serving is actually pretty big and the price range is pretty wide but still i would say if you order the right stuff, it is affordable, very. Alcohol is reasonably priced, beer is pretty decent too, price and selection wise.

"I am cool in a weird way."

Oh, i kind of detest people chaffering, whats more yoke with those oh-so-big actions. Like seriously.(ijustrolledmyeyessubconsciously)

Suddenly i got a whole lot on my mind. I swear on my arms, in the future, if i even have one, i did have one room just to paint. I want painting to be one of the hobby that i know i did like, i just need to pursue it, however much it will frustrate me. Be it good or not, rich or poor. It did be a passion that i did chase. A forger i did make out of. That at least i did know that i have tried.

All's fair in love and war.

Usually, one hit wonders are the things that hit us most and leave us musing.

Would you want to have a masterpiece, or pieces that are just good but never good enough?

The Dead Poet

2011-08-07T19:18:00.004+08:00

An eighth of an inch above the shoes.

Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness,
it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground,
and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,
they find that they are one tree and not two.

- Louis de Bernieres

Time to don the suit and pick up the pace. If it isn't now, when's a better time.

Monster

2011-07-29T20:56:00.004+08:00

One that could make your pessimism go and fill you up with optimism.

Today my emotions is like human pulse. One moment it is sky high, and the next it just plunged to the depth of the world. Reading people's blog also makes me feel down. Today's work made me love my workplace and i already miss my uber funny and cute colleagues. Why i so famous in my office even as a temp? haha. Heard so many gossips regarding me. Everyone's attached, why like that? I sad.

I honestly feel damn down, like i have no purpose in life, nothing to look forward to, come on, i need a purpose in life, i feel damn negative now! Shit this negative aura that is diffusing from the world. I feel like shit now. The deal of self-annihilation. Stop the world from turning into a monster.

Interesting how she read me.

Sometimes u appear to be happy,but actually u've got a lot of hidden worries and insecurities in u.maybe i think too much.. - Li Jing

When you hear my cries, save me from my distress.

Casanova

2011-07-21T23:32:00.004+08:00

Went for dinner at Dallas with Eileen tonight. It was a pretty nice place. Ambience and everything. Eileen was gobbling up her meal while i was eating mine at a snail pace. It was a nice meetup with her and i will definitely catch her up soon. Thanks for the treat. haha. It was a surprise that you even msg me out of the blue to tell me you want to meet me and treat me dinner. lol. <3

And i received my birthday card from Meiying! haha, thanks. Its so cute. "RING-A-DING. . . . . THE BOSS IS HERE". Love the card. We can always go foodhunt, cuz i can't really think of any place to eat. haha. Expeditions! hehehe. And yup, ann siang is one of my favourite place. hehe.

Life has been quite a bliss recently.

Would you play this game or lose this hand?

Pain

2011-07-20T21:27:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was another awesome day for me. Went to celebrate my birthday with Jeremy, Pearle & Violet at Sentosa. Bananaboat and Kayaking kills but it was uber fun. Was so shagged after the day and when i woke up today, my whole body aches so badly, and i have cuts all over me. My leg also keep sticking on my shoes due to the blood oozing out. =x Pain is something i couldn't get enough. It's a note that keeps me sane.

To my cute little gentle giant, Jeremy. I know you have always got my back and you know i will always get yours too. Really appreciated all that you have done since we were kids. NAWT, just kidding, since we became close, so close we could touch. lol. kidding. Sometimes i flared at random moments but you should know i didnt mean it. Its like some things just get to me somehow. =) Either way, thanks for being such a good friend. Oh oh, last thing, i am really sorry for delaying whatever i have promised.

This is as good as the first celebration i had on sunday, Pearle. Just wanted to tell you that sometimes things might not feel like it will be as good, but more than often, it will turn out as good as others if not better. I really enjoyed the day. I really appreciate your presence even though you like to ninja on occasions, and not to forget that i could have heart to heart talk with. Even though i dunno whether are you being perfunctory with me, if you get what i mean. LOL!

VIOLET! The girl that is ever so busy with this and that. Thanks for the food that you prepared for the picnic. And also thanks for tolerating all my nonsense and my sarcasm and crap, you know i don't mean it. Sometimes i feel you like to do things on impulse and that i don't wish to say anything because i know it's futile and will end up with conflicts. But i just want you to know that i will be there if you need me and whatever i say in times like these will be of your interest no matter whether you think i am just being an asshole or what. Because being direct is a virtue, i dun like people to beat around the bush and thus i won't do it as well. =)

All in all, i love you guys.

Btw, the jacket hoodie is damn comfy. Thank you all once again. Kisses and hugs for you little kids. Oh, i am meeting Eileen tml. What up! And pictures will be up here as well once Violet send me or upload to facebook. =)

We could hang around for a little catch up, even if the world crashes before our eyes.

When Epilepsy Was Non-existent

2011-07-18T00:52:00.006+08:00

Let's keep this raw.

Aites people. Today is such a wonderful day. Met with Julien, Jiawei, Hui min & Wenxin for my advanced celebration. Love these people, even if my heart would be smashed to smithereens.

I am sorry Jiawei. I got to say that is Julien's gift was the best. Really, things so simple just skyrocketed its worth. It's one of a kind. Love you Julien girl.

To my dearest like-minded soul who is warped in so many ways, i will only use the perfume when i meet the right one, i dunno why, but i guess that makes it special. ;) I will catch you soon, before you enlist. Do i hear an aite?

You are one of the guys (idonthavemanyguyfriendstobeginwith) that i really treat as a close friend and keep in contact with. I mean even though we weren't as close as what we used to be, but hanging out with you really makes me feel honoured(?) though often paired with inferiority but it doesn't matter. I hoped we did still keep in close contact in the future and you got to keep me updated with your eventful life. HEHE. If you dun know who i am referring to, yea, its you, Jiawei mai boi.

Huimin, Huimin, as much as i have been damn sarcastic with you everytime, you know that i meant it all as a joke, so please don't take it to heart. I shall be less sarcastic with you, and i know everytime i have been missing out on your occasions and etc but i really didn't mean it, i am truly sorry about it. Hugs and kisses. OH! Before i forget, pls be punctual k. Dun keep people waiting. Be nice. HAHAHAHA.

Last but not forgotten, the ever so cranky lady, Hu Wenxin. Thanks for the treat @ Red Dot Brewhouse. But when's our candlelit dinner? ;) Oh, and the thing you say about me always bullying you is unjustified. =( School's starting for you so prep yourself up for it, while your boy toy enters the army to protect our country. =) And damn you are decisive, like a cool only, why so cool? If only i could. haha. <3

Once again, thanks guys for the celebration, the gifts and all that you have done or not done and for sticking around with me for all these times, for all these times. Stay safe and till then.

The damsels and the sleazebags.

Harder To Breathe

2011-07-17T00:53:00.004+08:00

May you live in interesting times.

May you find what you're looking for.

In a few day's time, there's going to be that many hypocritical people acting like we are friends and we are cool but the fact is that they are just passers-by in my life. ACQUAINTANCES. i call it.

Anne Vyalitsyna is damn hawt!

opps, sidetracked.

Can people just stop being perfunctory with me? I really got to ditch this whole bunch of assholes that just keep saying they are good to meet up but it never happened. Seriously, your mum teaches you ladies to be perfunctory? Tired of putting in effort for this kind of people. Efforts wasted. Life is hard to breathe enough, i don't need you nor you nor you.

I am hoping for a change. To kick start, i will drop contacts with all the perfunctory ladies. You all can go fuck yourself. Thanks. =)

What we could have been matters not, what we are matters.

Through Struggles

2011-07-10T00:53:00.003+08:00

So much to say, so little to spare.

Disclaimer: If your livers are weak in handling vulgarities, please refrain from reading this post. You did be intoxicated and might pass out or even lead to death.

Wanted to find a picture for my watch but i just cant find it even in the official website, this company should really update their website more frequently for new designs. Anyway, that aside, am a proud owner of a SKAGEN watch.

I feel damn weak, i could break anytime now. Its been real tiring to hold all these shit inside me.

My inner demons are like blood-seeking feral monsters crying out. I am totally losing it, who wants to break me?

Can't stand people who are in the service industry yet their attitude are like shit. It's bad communication and etiquette training(if they are even sent for it) that makes service brought to us sucks. Like seriously, no mum teach them manners. Either that or that the wife, mum or daughter got raped so badly that they are venting their frustration on us, consumers. No joke. FUCKING TURNOFF, like the guy that works at vivo's citibank. Still dare to 'OI, XIAO DI' me, i should have retort with 'OI KI LAN, FUCK YOUR MUM' instead of 'SHE MO!'.

Note: I really hate people honking at me when i am crossing the road as a law abiding citizen. I won't hesitate to show them the fingers and tell them to go fuck their parents. Or maybe i will fuck the mum if she's hawt or like the daughter or something. Okay, kidding, shan't play parents or related people. but yea, that's how much i dislike being honked at.

Caught transformer with Julien and happened to bump into Hui Min at 313.

I just wish to smile like this genuinely. Is it that hard to be happy?

When i drop my false front, who would i be then?

Note to self: NEVER EVER.

The Shades Of Poison Trees

2011-07-06T19:52:00.005+08:00

If i am to describe myself with one thing, it did be the classic wooden dummy. I take in all sorts of blows and treat it like nothing. Its a kind of implosion. It doesn't fight back no matter how hard it is hit. It just provides an equal force back on the person hitting it so as to not let itself break.

Someone told me that i often give the wrong impression once i am close to girls.

But they also agree that i banter so much that people does not know when i am serious or joking. So how is it possible that i give girls the impression that i like them? It does not make any sense to me.

Ruoqi said that i am egoistic but not confident. Do i really lag confidence?

Valerie said that i give off the vibe of 'I am super comfy being alone'. This reminds me of what Pearle said, 'to me, you don't look like the sort that would even fall in love', which Valerie also said.

Interesting what people actually thinks of me.

I just love people telling me how they perceive me. Intrigues me indefinitely.

Sometimes we don't clear the air for we don't want to be half-ass. The shot needs to be taken by someone else.

The Last Goodbye

2011-07-04T22:41:00.006+08:00

You can't drop a bombshell without hurting anyone.

So damn tired everyday. Meetings for this week are like packed i hope. Dun cancel out on me people. haha.

I finally did something good.

Go Fly A Kite, this song is so apt for you.

It will hold its silence forever.

Part Of Me Wonders

2011-07-03T00:54:00.008+08:00

When your cheeks are fat, there's no hiding it.

Today is a wild ride, from a uber shitty day to a somewhat fine day. Woke up to Pearle's call and i traveled down to SIM to crash the lecture, just to people watch.heh. But the people there are mehhhhh. Saw quite a few acquaintances and some was shocked when i said hi. I must have changed much. tsk tsk. Headed over to somerset after that to accompany Eileen while she works. And i freaking dropped my phone. pfft. As usual, its pretty funny to talk to her, like a short catch up. Off i go at 6 plus to meet Jiawei. Had our dinner at A.venue. Pretty awesome place and the waitress is pretty sweet looking though she is a definite scene kid. Jiawei was behaving like a lovelorn throughout and now he is such a happy kid. How i wish i did be like him. I have to admit i am pretty envious of his life. Somehow i feel inferior around him but i still like hanging out with him. I am just a fag i guess.

I found you. Stalking has never been made more fun. Approximately 20 tabs to find someone. I am so happy that Jiawei is going to treat me dinner for a week.

I guess i was born to please. tsk tsk.

Let's not be half-ass.

Be direct.

SWAG, i cant say enough how important this is.

I JUST WANT TO BE A NATURAL.

Oh, seriously, effort need to be seen. not just say.

If not, GTFO.

There's something real charming about girls when they play instruments. I am a sucker for this. The kind of sexiness not derived through pure looks but just awesomeness.

I just want to be at ease. I just want it to be simple.

I'm So Tired

2011-06-28T19:52:00.006+08:00

BUSY BUSY WEEK.

Met Julien yesterday for dinner. At last, the 2 days event have ended, such torturous hours it have been. I did so woo Julien if i knew her 5 years ago. mehhh. Continuous working is really wearing me out, i am so lazy to even talk at all now.

Thursday dinner date. Friday is alcohol date. Sunday is bbq & alcohol date. Mahh gosh, so packed. Shall catch up with Wenxin next week hopefully. Miss her crazy self.

So many people i need to catch up with, yet so little time and money.

OH, i am now a member of benjamin barker, so if any of you buys from there, you can get my IC for discount. :)

I am a bringer of disappointment.

A liability.

Lazy to explain.

Terrified

2011-06-22T22:43:00.003+08:00

"Wei she me hui zhe yang?"

When i heard this while you are asleep, it really caused tears to swell.

Damn, getting damn emotional.

Hope you can recover soon. like real soon.

Stay strong. Who wants to have a little getaway with me?

Opportunity To Cry

2011-06-21T23:40:00.003+08:00

If only i could find a note to make you understand.

You are the first to experience all these shit from me. I am sorry that times and again i hurt you. But at least we sort it out and now everything's over.

If you ever need any help, i did be there to help you, but that's that, nothing more from me or from you.

This aside, life is getting more and more rough as time goes by, everyday's slur. Job, health, friends & everything, isn't working as well as i would hope it did be. Time for an escapade. Sometimes we got to disappear before we appear as another person. This is when change becomes obvious.

People come and go like they're on the interstate.

Sometimes

2011-06-20T02:09:00.007+08:00

Sometimes people just like to play the pull and push game.

Sometimes when one pushes the other too hard, the other will be gone.

Sometimes the inertia causes the one who pushes to move along with the other.

Sometimes when pulled, the person just come closer,

and at others, the person got pulled too hard so much that it hits the person that pull and be flung away.

Life is taking a dive and i am all psyched for what's hitting. Hit me hard pls. I deserve more than just a beating. Because yet again, i have been mean. Like what people has been calling me recently, meanie i am, meanie i am.

You bring out the worst in me. The first to.

I shall go on a hiatus soon.

Were the leap of faith so tough, i did still take it and plunge. Because it makes my life complete.

Promises, Promises

2011-06-18T21:48:00.005+08:00

Sometimes we don't speak what we feel, for it's pointless.

This year has been eventful. Recently so many things has been happening, how long can i keep up before i crumble?

Recover fast pls. Never want to lose anyone.

Been weak enough. I can't hold out much longer.

I can't wait to get out of all these things. I really need to live in a make believe world, even if its only for a few days.

P.S How apt is this song for me.

I really want a getaway trip with you.

Let Me Go

2011-06-18T00:05:00.004+08:00

You made your choice, now is to reap it. ;)

You might be one of my regret, but it's one i could live with.

No questions asked.

When i turn my back this time, there's no turning back.

I Need A Doctor

2011-06-14T00:44:00.002+08:00

To take a leap of faith or to be on a constant standstill.

Was wavering between this and i decided to ask some people what would their choice be. Most replied with leap of faith.

Guess i am on a constant self denial thinking i am staying away but all i was actually doing was standing on the same ground motionless.

We never know what we might get for risking, so why not risk it.

Some things you just have to spend time waiting for.

Since thursday i have been vomiting and having runs till today. I guess it calls for me to visit the doctor.

For what it's worth.

Teenage Angst

2011-06-02T20:31:00.003+08:00

Major Pet Peeves

#1 When after every sentence of mine, bonebags replied the same thing, 3 is the key.

#2 People giving me the impatient/bossy tone.

#3 People who tries to stand on a moral high ground.

Deep down, i just try to push everyone that's close or could be close to me further away from me so that no one could enter my comfort zone. Its this constant that keeps me safe. I doubt anyone can handle me for who i am because i am just an enigma leaving everything in the grey area.

I ain't what you people think i am. I am worse than you expect.

You can call me change or constant.

I'm Sorry

2011-05-27T22:31:00.003+08:00

Short-fused.

To you and any other.

I am really sorry if my words were too harsh or sarcastic towards you. Ever since i started working, i have been very tired and that its even more tiring to explain everything that i have said. It somehow gets on my nerve to keep explaining what i mean and what i am referring to. My memories have been failing me as well and to refer back to the message to explain is cumbersome.

Sometimes i just wonder, why do we even speak to each other if we ain't on the same frequency. It just doesn't make sense for us to even communicate.

I don't know whether you will even see this or that you might think its just excuses, but it doesn't change anything that i want to tell you. Maybe you are better off not contacting me. Maybe i ain't worth your time. I guess thats about all i want to let you know and any other that i have been giving the cold shoulder to.

Chao people.

Yet another impression formed. Well, maybe, but i don't really care.

I Melt With You

2011-04-29T01:17:00.004+08:00

I find myself a joke. Joke's on me.

Third time i have broke down because of a friend. Seriously, how emotional can i get with people i am close to. I really hate being close to people and to take a leap of faith just to experience the fall is excruciating. Even typing this gets my tears welled and swelled.

Shit-stirrers ought to die.

On the side note, work's been fun. Even though communication is minimal and workload is mad loads, but at least i am happy there. I just love interaction. Now i have my fan club and rumoured girlfriend at work. tsk. Crazy bunch. Sad they are leaving office next friday. I will so miss them. No more joy, no more fun, no more shit, just work.

You know i can't stay mad at you for long.

You Can Do Better

2011-04-23T14:27:00.011+08:00

Do what thou wilt.

People tell me that they never thought i did fall for and i can do better. But if that's the case, i guess i have been finding the exact definition of better for the past 20 years. The answer that i found is nothing but vague.

Human are cheap.

We cheapen ourselves to know that there are others out there that want us.

I like how people say anything. Being honest with how they feel and saying what they mean to people they meant it for. This is called real honesty and not some 'being honest' but in fact it's with hidden agenda.

Oh, did i mentioned, i drank a cup of vodka(spiced coffee with almond flavoured) mixed with apple tea, tomato juice, sambal chilli and pearle's hand that have dog fur dipped inside. Asswipe unhygienic and sick drink.

P.S Was that for me? And if it is, if you don't say, how would you know? Again. Just treat it that i am the asshole. okay. I will drift and you will continue with your amazing life. =)

First you ask me to grow up, now you say this. You know its amusing. What you say and what you mean, you told your boyfriend there are guys wooing you because you think it's good to be honest, but you left out the other truth, which is that you are going out with people that are trying to get you. By doing that, you just hope that after you do this, your boyfriend will try and treasure you more because you are wanted by people. Don't tell me thats not one of the motive, because it is. The reason why you are still sticking with your boyfriend is cause you want what you can't have. You know that you might lose him to some other FUGLY girls, so he became a trophy that you are fighting for. Is this what you call love? Okay, now that you have read this, you might feel like i am a jerk. But honestly, if i didnt even care, i wouldn't even give a damn about you. Like i said, refer back to my caption above.

Why do i even assume things?! Because you don't say who you meant it for. I can only assume as best i can. There's other channels you can communicate with me but you choose twitter and you simply have too many guys in your life to even know which tweet is for who. That aside, does going out with friends entitles you to tell only the things that you think will keep all else as it is? Truth is, you can't have the best of both world. You can use that as a valid point and take your stand. Seriously, you are merely finding excuses. If you keep this up, do you think you can even last a lifetime with him? No! Stop kidding yourself. Maybe you can use all this as examples and ask your friends what do you think this girl is doing, and they might tell you the same things too. Go on, try it. Also the reason why i stopped asking you out is i don't wish for you to keep lying to your boyfriend. It isn't fair for any of us.

What am i really? I think i am pretty undefined. We can't right the errs we have.

M.I.L.F

2011-04-21T23:20:00.009+08:00

Topic for the day

I am actually the topic of the day in my office when my presence is not there. lol. Seems like i got myself a fan club. Heard from the temp that my department perm staff gathered around during office hour to talk about me. They also said i look like 方大同, 盧廣仲 & 吳克群. So weird of them to talk about me. lol. Though i don't deny it made me feel good in a way. lol.

Watched Arthur with my colleagues. Totally love the show. Somehow it managed to affect my emotion drastically. Such a sweet show.

I would so love to date you. I guess. haha. Time for a new haircut. Wait up, people.

I guess this is the best week i ever have up till now. Simple things really make my life happier.

BBQ TML! YES!

Steal not from thy child

For it was not a silver spoon

Hide not from thee brightest moon

For it lit the darkest room.

P.S The worse excuse is also the best excuse. Because it's undeniably obvious yet unable to refute.

P.P.S I hate coded text. Its equivalent to a 'FUCK YOU' in the face.

P.P.P.S To this point, people can't say what they feel with ease. Seriously, 21st century is fucked.

P.P.P.P.S Now i don't know where this is headed, but we should just chill, and think it through. Or don't. Okay, its my bad, i shouldn't have said anything, i am sorry. Don't cry or anything please. Just go and sleep it off.

Who is there to make me believe in make believe again?

Don't Work Yourself Up

2011-04-20T02:54:00.005+08:00

Don't try to step over the line.

Guys should stop trying to demean your girlfriends.

Girl should stop sticking in the rut and let themselves be ruined.

Be smart, act up.

Relationship really screws people up. Keep your cool.

Consoling is harder when you can't whisper sweet nothing.

Funny how people can be that desperate. Seriously, you are heading to shithole. You better wake up before you are covered in shit.

Time to get closer to Sancia. WIN! haha.

Stella stella hangs above,

Admire the midgets from afar,

Curve into a slit it went,

Broke a grin, buckle your belt.

I am feeling better and better as good friday draws nearer. Damn, how long can this last. hah.

PARTY ROCK ANTHEM playing through my mind everyday. Shuffle like a rockstar.

We will see how everything goes.

Numb

2011-04-18T00:05:00.004+08:00

Let work be fun.

If you choose to smother your feelings, do it fully, and if you have something to say, say it to the person whom you meant it for.

I realise when i am working, my weekdays are shortened and i become lifeless.

Its always outflow, there's no inflow in my life.

I don't get it. Am i the fallback? What are you playing? Weird how this play out. But i did say thats a good play on your part. In hindsight, everything's pretty clear. Well played.

Life really does not have a balance afterall.

Two Guys (For Every Girl)

2011-04-16T22:57:00.005+08:00

Talk about barter trade. You lose a guy to get a toy.

I should be paid more, i am severely underpaid. Who wakes up on a saturday morning thinking about work for the upcoming week? Apparently i did. I still can't figure out how should i go about doing up an excel spreadsheet to calculate forex individually. For the sake of being more efficient, they let a temp staff that just started work to do this. What's more, i have another 2 more work on hand. Kill me pls.

I feel so tired everyday. Thank goodness the temp staff around there are friendly. One temp asked whether i am fine watching with them chick flick on this coming thursday, and before i could answer, another temp replied in place of me, 'he sure fine one lah, look at him, already one of us.' lol. I got a shock as it was my first day and i didn't even speak much with them. And the impression i left on them is quite quiet i think, at least they don't think i am weird. tsk tsk. Its so unfair, the girls get to dress down on friday yet guys have to be formal everyday. =(

I missed a chance to know a hawt girl. Godsend. I need to head to OM to get the ripped tank top. gah, when will i have time to do that?

Everyday until the end of this month, i will suffer. But after this month, i will start to shuffle. Talk about word play. ;)

I miss you and you. What about you and you?

Take Me Out

2011-04-15T01:26:00.005+08:00

Confirmation Bias.

I am as good as DEAD. Lie low, stay close.

This few days have been pretty decent and funny. Work is a killer though.

I ain't your fallback. There's no safety line.

The Ballad Of Mona Lisa

2011-04-12T23:09:00.009+08:00

Say what you mean tell me I'm right and let the sun rain down on me give me a sign.

Today is a eventful yet disappointing day.

Received so many jobs positions and i am still hoping to get the 2k per month job. Please let me get it. I am crazy over this 2k job. Desperate over it actually. Screwing myself over this.

Went Jeremy's house supposed to gym and swim. But just so coincidental, both are closed for repainting. Ended up doing a few pull ups. When they opened the swimming pool, it drizzled, but we still went ahead, until it started pouring. We went to the jacuzzi instead. Feels so good even though the rain keeps hitting on our head and face like some powerless toy hammer. Shifted our belongings to a supposedly sheltered umbrella table. When we saw the lightning, we got out of the water to claim our stuff only to realised that all our stuff are drenched because the damn umbrella is spoilt and have a hole above. Thankfully i brought a shirt for jeremy to try it out, if not i did be topless. tsk. After which we went for ice cream buffet that actually made us drowsy. Something is really wrong with swensen's ice cream.

Stop calling me No. 9. It is so weird.

Sexy ask me whether i clubbing tomorrow. lol. Sad that i am starting work on thursday. We shall club when i get my pay, don't sad. ;)

Maybe holding out will pay off eventually, but i am really tired.

One human, two saint, three choice.

P.S Btw, thanks for the gift, Meiying, it slipped my mind the other day.

Don't try to play god, you won't get away with it.

The Other Side

2011-04-12T02:00:00.005+08:00

You won't want to see.

Rough patch.

People keep me sane.

Ice cream buffet tml. Meetup with Eileen on wed. Dinner on thursday. Oh Oh! Tml's free cone day.

Fuck job hunting, its taking forever, i am picky, so are they.

Pick your choice before it bites. Say your prayers. You got someone to thank.

Something About You #2

2011-04-10T21:06:00.008+08:00

And there's something about you now
that makes everything beautiful if i only believe

I delicate this song to myself because of you.

Sorry for the double post but this song is very apt in how i feel towards you.

Why do i have philistine friends? Where are all the connoisseur? I hate how i can't find someone to watch Macbeth with me. tsk.

P.S Nope. I am more curious about the other actually.

P.P.S I might. Drop me a call when it comes to that, i guess that's when you will find out.

Assumption is not fool-proof. Am i supposed to hold out for more?

Our Generation

2011-04-10T17:06:00.006+08:00

Its the 21st century.

As much as i love vintage, i won't stop modernizing my mind.

'And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.'

- John VIII-XXXII

So i guess i deserve to know, don't i?

I can't wait for my extreme hairstyle. Come on job, i need you to make it happen.

You don't get to play the strings.

Something About You

2011-04-09T22:56:00.007+08:00

There's something about you in me.

Went out and watch Sanctum. Pretty interesting show, though it seems a little weak. In the sense, the show tried to be inspirational but somehow failed to convey it in the strongest way possible. Just my two cents though.

Mei Ying says its extremely depressing. Heavy hearted. HAHA.

After that, we went to a dim sum place for dinner. So full. Whee~

Just a side note, my sandals are drenched for the first time, damn the rain.

Twice was never my thing. For certain people, i guess i did do it twice with no regret or angst.

Sometimes i wonder why does two incompatible people hang out together. As if we clique well together but the fact is we don't. So what is actually pulling us together? A little food for thought.

P.S Come to think of it, it's such a funny day for me.

Issues multiply endlessly, i am tired of solving it. Complete nincompoop.

I Fall All Over Again

2011-04-09T01:21:00.005+08:00

im zusammenhang

Have you ever wanted some things so bad that you convinced yourself that the impossible is true?

Never ever settle for things that you know you will leave to regret, a constant reminder.

Unless the thing hits the mark, don't ever get it because better stuff comes by all the time and it's only when something hits the mark that you are able to at least convince yourself that you already have what you wanted.

Ambiguous talks because of the fear.

HELLO, THE PERFECT STALKER. ;)

You know the answer.

Which category am i in? Cause i guess i am barely hanging.

Haunted

2011-04-07T17:44:00.010+08:00

Breakfast or High Tea? Anyone?

It was a wrong.

Short of another wrong to make it a right.

But guess i won't be getting the second wrong.

Now i am stuck in a highway,

with no U-turn for the next 1000 miles.

P.S The girl in this MV is hawt. At least so i think.

P.P.S Why you look so hawt when you are dancing?

P.P.P.S Just want to laugh at myself for suddenly feeling afraid of someone, because the person is pissed off by someone else.

Why am i even scared?! Seriously, i am such a pussy. I don't even know how to talk to the person now. Being afraid is one, but i think this is a whole new level. tsk.

Kept a rain check. Tears welled and subside.

Friends

2011-04-07T00:54:00.005+08:00

Love for the lady. <3

Today is a tiring but eventful day.

Late for interview but its fine cause its a shit job and then meet with Xueying for a while at far east plaza before heading off to meet Wenxin. Such a good gal for accompanying me to jurong east for another interview. Thanks. :) Which amazingly, saw Pearle and Wiley there too. After which head over to Chinatown to meet with Julien. Walked to ann siang and then to maxwell for some light meal before heading down to city hall for our dinner. As usual, Hui min is late. Ate at Ximending, the food is alright but not filling enough, at least for me. Then I saw Christopher Tan Puay Liang. lol. Train to outram with Julien and we sat there for at least half an hour catching up, yet again, i saw Rui Chuen. Its such a coincidence to meet up with so many people today. Back at serangoon and i bought a pack of bee hoon to eat. I am such a gluttony these days.

People just keep pulling me back to the pit hole that i have been trying to climb out of. Why?

Please let me get a job soon so i can set in motion things that i have planned. :)

Meeting up with Mei Ying on either friday or saturday. And JP some time next week. Haven't met up with Eileen yet. The food is turning bad if this persists. tsk.

Stay safe, don't sweat.

I can't stand how i keep going back.

Like Or Like Like

2011-04-06T00:55:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, it's all about the concept.

Had an interesting conversation with the Pearle, Jeremy & Violet after our pizza meal, which we opt for since we didn't feel like bbq-ing eventually. Sorry for the effort, ladies.

So here goes, positive aspects of me, Pearle said i am a fun loving person, spontaneous. Jeremy said i am reliable & trustworthy. Violet said i am a gentleman. Surprisingly. Which Pearle felt i am more of protective than a gentleman. tsk tsk. Either way, its positive i guess.

As for the negative aspects, i like to keep things grey, a sign of indecisiveness, as said by Pearle. I guess this explains why i am bad at departures and maybe i just don't want to know the truth, maybe i just like the process but not the result. This is also why dozens of people thinks i am queer. I somehow mind-fuck people, at least people who even care about what i feel. tsk. Angsty is the word i get from Jeremy, which i guess everyone knows. Violet feels that i say things i don't meant. AWESOME! okay, i don't know why this is awesome, but i like it, it seems positive to me.

We will never find out.

I still can't find a word to substitute 'sweetheart'. Gah.

Morning Benders, Telekinesis, Moldy Peach, Miniature Tigers and The Everyday Visuals. Genres that appeals to me now. hah.

Happiness is a concept few grasps hold of.

Mr Curiosity

2011-04-04T20:18:00.005+08:00

Not again, not heading back to where i was.

'No, every time, i'm walking down that tunnel. Every time, and once i find out what's at the end, i will figure it out then, but at least i'll know. I'll, I'll know.'

'Why would you not want to know?'

-Weeds

Curiosity is a curse.

Today i received 3 offers for 3 different jobs. One i gave up, one i am pending and the last, gave me up due to the ambiguity of enlistment for FUCKING NS. Being anal about it aside, i feel quite glad somehow, like i am wanted, maybe i just like the feel of knowing that i am wanted by things. I guess it's the sense of belonging that i lust after.

When excuses runs out, repeat the same excuses and wait for others to believe, maybe then you will understand how stupid you sound.

The need to feel humane.

We are all flawed like any other. There's no moral high grounds for any of us.

Rescue Me

2011-04-03T22:10:00.004+08:00

Some people just want to be spoon-fed. Spineless.

Recently my dreams are in a dissonance. Ever so real. The most recent is someone playing guitar. Getting cranky or hallucinating. Either way works.

Can't wait to crash Desmond's house tomorrow night to welcome his 23rd Birthday. Awesome much. Paired with Hoegaarden. Woots. Tuesday would be bbq with my own clique at Jeremy's condominium. Wednesday might be meeting up with Hui min, Wenxin and Julien. Such interesting life. It could be made better if i am being called up for interview and actually successfully getting a job. My life would be more than perfect. Hah, i sound so easily contented.

A few more meetups before i am done with everything. Time to earn money before Nelson is back and off we go splurging on alcohol and club. More of alcohol for me, since they have been providing more than often. Getting sick of clubbing too. Ironic much. May is the month where we see money pouring outwards.

Oh Land and You Me At Six are pretty good. April Smith is kind of interesting to listen.

Suddenly i have a new haircut i want to cut and a new dressing style. Sex it up. ;)

We can never be normal. Normal is subjective.

No Regrets

2011-03-31T22:30:00.019+08:00

If it's a neverending game, then i guess i will play it for life. This is what gives purpose.

Like an addiction.

Avi Melech/Reyes. What nice name to give a kid.

Weeds is getting more interesting and nice. Family issues spiraling out of control yet still heartwarming. Have some really nice phrase that are meaningful. Open to interpretation.

'I am almost inclined to not ask you out again, just to show you how wrong you are about me.'

-Weeds

'You love to be loved. You pull all this love in. You build it all up in your head, and when it gets too close, you run.'

-Weeds

'Don't sit here and tell me you want to be someone else when you do fuck all to change what's going on.'

-Weeds

'Friendship in true love is ___.'

A) An overblown concept

B) A fundamental concept

C) A waste of time

D) A bonus

'At our core, the search for true love is driven by ____.'

A) Passion

B) Need for sex

C) Need for financial and emotional support

D) The basic human need to feel connected and leave the prison of aloneness

Such interesting questions.

If i treat it as a joyride, you did be the roller coaster.

Stupid For You

2011-03-29T02:57:00.010+08:00

'People sometimes find themselves stuck in an unhappy relationship, where obviously there's something deeply wrong, and they stay because it's easier than to get themselves out of it.'

Caring alone isn't enough, same goes for love.

Obviously one sided.

Conscience makes a man do the right thing.

Sometimes i feel that there are many really stupid people out there.

A bottle a day, keeps me happy all day.

Do things with the right heart, it makes everything easier.

Tick tock, tick tock, inching closer.

Eat me alive every single moment i am awake. I am better off asleep.

These weak little excuses. When you munch them, you get karma.

Thankfully, i have no heart. You will get what you wanted.

My Last

2011-03-28T01:10:00.008+08:00

'Death is no big deal because life is just... blah blah blah.'

'Life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah. And sometimes you find it. But, mostly, it's blah and waiting for blah. And hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you've got the whole blah damn thing figured out and you are surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And BLAH, BLAH BLAH.'

-Weeds

Okay, i think i snapped. I couldn't handle this baggage like i thought i could.

Your issues are daunting. Honestly, i am at a loss. But i can't let myself drag on. One moment it's this feeling, one moment it's another. My mind is at a disorientation. Wave it off or tug it close.

Lose the steam that kept me on. Break the ties for it goes on.

Stay Close Don't Go

2011-03-27T04:04:00.016+08:00

Something I will never do. Not under this circumstances at the very least.

Finally back from Taiwan. Pretty awesome country that i wish i could linger even longer to explore the suburban. Back at this place, how i dread it. From surrealism to the cold hard reality that continues to bewilders me.

You are such a two-face. I don't know how to face you anymore.

Being smart and meticulous does not make you anything, its simply allows you to apprehend more stuff, understand and notice minute details. Sometimes things just have to be kept from people that people didn't even let you in on, and this is the burden that you have to carry.

People do really change, for better or worse, it depends. Change is only effective when you feel uncomfortable.

Now that i am back, its meet up sessions and job seeking. Whee. I can't wait to meet those that i miss and those that wants to meet me. Excited much.

Everyone have their baggage. I just feel mine is bigger.

Decode

2011-03-20T02:21:00.011+08:00

אהבה הוא א בעולם על את טיפשים

زه فکر کوم چې تاسو خطا ,غير أنّ ليس أنا يوقن أنمور.

Det er for meget i mine øjne, ja en tiedä mitä on todellinen.

Nu voi folosi de aceasta data sa cred ca prin, i nadam se da ste to previe

Mazel tov, muy bien a cikin fassara

Au Revoir, محبت.

تک, Mějte se a bezpečí.

Self note: Do no desperate buy.

P.S You deserve better, sweet girl. Trust me. =)

Say what you feel. Sometimes its good to act as if i ain't that smart.

Breakaway

2011-03-18T11:06:00.009+08:00

Fugit Irreparabile Tempus

Most of the time we find excuses for the things we do, for it makes us feel better. But when the excuses runs out, that's the point when we can't cheat our way through it anymore, we got to be decisive and take a stand.

Leaving it dangling and doing it half hearted are things that one do when they are indecisive. Though its something that Jiawei is a master of. Decisiveness. Hope he's doing well on his part. Idiot, don't want to reply me. Can't even get him out now. What's going on?

Everyone's having trouble, relationship wise that is.

I like how my friend got frustrated with me and make me guilty and be decisive. Thanks to that, i have also finally taken my stand, and thats what i will hold to, at least for as long as i can. Snap snap, wake up my ideas. I actually have conscience. :) Okay, peace out.

P.S I can't stand the silence at home, it makes my every cells cringe.

My little escapade. My little sweet romance.

Fuck Was I

2011-03-15T15:26:00.004+08:00

I just need to remain vacuous.

Yesterday meetup with Pearle, Jeremy & Violet is so so so good. I like how i am silent most of the time and i can just laugh or smile for no apparent reason. Really blissful. Everyone's pretty emo yesterday though. Seems like life has been hitting harder on us than i ever expected. Taiwan in 6 more days. Party like tsunami is hitting, it will keep my mind off any obstructions. Hopefully. Tomorrow! HTHT with Pearle, Thursday, joyride with Yan Ling, Friday, catching performance with cousins, Saturday and Sunday, work and god knows.

We are all marionettes of time and life.

Curse and swear, life and death.

Bachelor's button blooms and fade

Watch the sign for it tells fate

Miss the number and thou hates

Requite or not, its thy choice

Forget me not, Myosotis

It symbolizes remembrance

Of what unpretentious and daintiness

Time is off the equation

Weep not at the mortality

Dance not when life blossom

Harmonious like a cosmos

When everything lies on the same plane

As commelinaceae as it sound,

Its but lighthearted whisper,

As mediocre as it seems,

Its done with heartfelt joy.

P.S What the fuck am i doing with my life? Its like a downward spiral. Maybe its good to lose myself, for it loses life. Isn't it more carefree to not be so stringent with your own life, care less, worry less and lose less. Everything will seem even better. Urgh, beef me up like a jerk.

Foolish to be indecisive, futile to try and take a stand.

Don't Get It Twisted

2011-03-13T22:04:00.013+08:00

'Some people just fall for the wrong person.'

'Don't make empty talks, Do the talk and walk the walk.'

There's so much on my mind, this is the only place that i could rant without catching too much attention or any actually.

My mind is wired up. I am getting major migraine. Its like a love hate thing that is up my mind.

I feel really bad. Fast forward to sunday pls.

I am just too eccentric to be close to people, ain't i. Like an enigma.

After musing over a long while, I feel like tattooing both my forearms. Maybe more people will shun me. Or maybe no one will even give a damn.

I really hate being atypical person that you can find anywhere along the street. Yet i just want to blend in so well that i am unnoticeable. Have u had this contradicting thoughts? I am a freaking paradox, a puzzle i myself cannot solve.

P.S My mood changes with yours. Chameleon much.

Embrace mother nature. Don't scared. Let's dance in joy of death and life.

Brighter than Sunshine

2011-03-13T01:44:00.007+08:00

Matthew Hales

I like how he looks in 'Brighter than Sunshine'. HAWT! The way i want to be seen. I sound like a fanboy suddenly. tsk. Ouch, money is always hindering. When will it stop? Can't wait to change how i dress. Lay my hands on the things i want to get. Ahhhh, work work work.

This is the first thing i got to do when i come back from taiwan. Damn right.

P.S Who am i to say anything anyway?

P.S.S Who wakes up at 3 plus in the morning to drop a msg saying they miss talking to me? Apparently someone did. Brought a smile to my face, brightening the darkest corner. =) Stay safe. Peace out!

I am never good enough. We are all judgmental creatures. Go on, judge me, for i am judging you this instant.

What's A Clock Without The Batteries

2011-03-11T21:08:00.005+08:00

Have u ever had the feel that time is eating you up?

Biting off your flesh bit by bit, just a matter of time before it consumes you fully.

Feeling every tick of the time creeps by, yet nothing can be done. This is like the epitome of helplessness, the worse kind of feeling one will ever experience. The escalating sense of foreboding. How long more?

When a mind overworked, it auto-format itself like a computer down with virus. It becomes a clean slate. Vacuous.

Last thing i want to talk about is the 2 greatest power one can ever possess.

1st: The mind is the most powerful thing, it let us imagine, think, apprehend and scheme. But this are not the things i want to highlight, its the power to make believe that makes the mind impressive, if not, it's just a pile of crumpled up juicy squirmy splat of pulsating organism.

2nd: The power of suggestion. People often underestimate this, because they are unaware of how this actually affects them. Suggestion slowly creeps into one's mind and start disconnecting the thoughts and reconnecting it to mess it all up. Enabling from a series of minuscules changes to radical restructuring of behaviours and emotions.

Finished Being Human Season 2 & 3. Soon to be done with The American. Working at Pioneer Mall. Feel free to come find me on 12, 13, 16, 19 & 20th march. 6.30pm to 8.30pm. =))))))))

No one wins against time. I am racing with time.

I'm Into Something Good

2011-03-09T13:52:00.014+08:00

Guy Who Would Never Fall In Love

Interesting how i give off this impression.

Arghh, where are all these strong compelling feelings coming from. Foolish is a man, foolish is a man. I will be blatant. I miss you.

Seems like i am going to be seen in another light. Maybe. Maybe not. We will see how this turns out. Though i did hope it did turn out good.

Tell me i didn't make the wrong choice again. Honestly, i feel stupid enough. Okay, maybe i should refrain from speaking to you for a bit and i don't need any answers from you.

Intoxicate the lovelorn. Down the slippery slope, where treasure remains to be found.

If life was a medley

2011-03-08T02:34:00.008+08:00

When i spill the beans, don't cry over spilled milk

Did it with a straight face

I am expecting it to be awkward

Love how this messes my mind

You will be tongue-tied.

Made a wrong turn, once or twice

Trying to get up that great big hill of hope

Than having you stalk my every thought

I learned to live half alive

Eventually nothing changed. And you will just laugh it off. So just put life into perspective. I can't wait to see how things fall.

It still pricks. I am doing a free fall.

Then

2011-03-06T15:29:00.011+08:00

Two consecutive of days of intense exercise, now my legs feel sore and i am suffering from sunburnt. Mental torture but at least it clears my thought, even if it's only for that period of time. To add on, tomorrow if the weather permits, off to Jeremy's house for a swim. If not, guess we will just head out for some chat session. Awesome much.

Need to get a job soon. Can't stand stoning at home letting vexing thoughts cloud my mind. Sleeping earlier than i usually sleep to keep it contained. Show me a sign, tell me what to do, would you? How long can i last? Why am i so bothered about it? Screw that show.

Oh, don't bother watching The Readers and City of Gods, two worse shows i have watched recently. Plot is like crap.

I don't know whether i am losing humor or are you all getting cranky. Come on, you people can do better.

Another thing, fuck people who msg you about something and always take hours to reply you, sometimes don't even reply you. Seriously, go fuck yourself. You want to do selective replies to me, you can just fuck your fucking cunthole till it turns into a blackhole. Thats right, now you know how annoying it is. Don't bother msging me or replying. Period.

And when you think i didn't appreciate you enough, thats great, because that's when i realised i actually appreciate your presence too much that makes me feel that there's pretty much a wide gap between us, and you know it. You see, you think that i don't appreciate you, but in fact it's because of what is happening to you that we can't be as close anymore. Don't put the blame on me. It's never about me, it's about you.

Pretty glad i have quite a packed upcoming week. With meetups and mingling with people, whats there to feel frustrated about.

Trust the heart that fool your mind, fool the heart that trust your mind.

I Can Do Better

2011-03-05T00:25:00.009+08:00

*EDIT*

Opportunities come all the time, its a matter of whether u choose to take it or not.

If the gladiator sandals that i am looking for doesn't appear in my life, am i supposed to wait and not wear slippers at all? What do you think? ;)

Ahh, another word of wisdom. People just love throwing me stuff to make me ponder over. How interesting.

Today has been pretty good. Seems like i have quite a few catch up sessions soon. All this people that i didn't expect to contact me, contacted me. Makes me feel i am like some forgotten ancient that are once again found. tsk. Amanda, Amanda, when will what you say become true? Let see when i catch up with you, would i have any changes.

1. Finally started on books once again.

2. Finished 'Being Human' Season 1.

Life just cant get any worse. This is why i love being an optimistic pessimist.

I ain't no tenacious boy. Let's be flippant.

Were Gonna Have Us A Champagne Jam

2011-03-03T20:34:00.007+08:00

This is the love.

Don't settle for a normal sandals when you've other better sandals.

Even if you know you want that sandals, as when the gladiator sandals that you are finding for ages appears, the normal sandals will pale in comparison.

Why the hell promise me when you already have plans for the same thing? Maybe this isn't about you, its about me. Never eat if it's the second bite.

I need time to convince myself.

Just a thought: If we are all master of make believe, why is it so hard for me to convince myself?

Too many emotional posts regarding love, heart and desire. This shall be the last of it.

On a lighter note, life in polytechnic is over. I am so glad. Nothing beats a warm shower to drown those vexing thoughts.

Parties pls. I need it and also the taiwan getaway. Too many issues in Singapore. Need to dump them all. Even if its for a week.

Don't hold my words like its a safety rope, its just a mirage.

Make A Plan To Love Me (Or Break Me) Or Do Nothing

2011-02-28T01:48:00.011+08:00

Can you just argue with me? Seriously, i don't wish to care. This is mind boggling. Guess i will pull out. Wait, i wasn't even in to begin with.

P.S. Your words starts to manifests in my mind. Now i am even more unsure of myself. Third person perspective sure kills. Overkill actually. Shouldn't have commented anything about this. Bad decision.

P.P.S I realised you are the one that said both sides. Devious mind, i was wrong the whole time. You are more than meets the eye. I don't know who you are anymore. Wasn't your priority. Weird how i can change my view of you in a night. You make me want to shun you now.

Cared too much. I guess.

Mind Games

2011-02-22T00:22:00.010+08:00

It seems loose yet stretched.

Seriously, how much do you trust me? It is clear that we are drifting further and further and secrets are flouting this friendship. Have you taken a step back to look at this with the wider angle you will gain? It wasn't the same but let see where this bring us to.

Another thing to note:

It finally dawned on me why i hesitate every time i like someone. It just seems like i like the chase or that i wish to get into the girl's pants. Once i processed it, it always deter me to take a step forward. Also to add on, maybe i am scarred so i am fearful that if things doesn't work out, what would happened? Isn't it better to just remain as friends rather than having a chance to lose someone? Its so tiring to even think whether you like somebody, so why not have one night stands instead? You just see the girl once, and you won't see her again. There's no worries as to whether you like her or not. Just to clarify, not saying i have done it before. ;)

Cut down thy ego,

lose some pride,

enhance thee wits,

For thou shall attain much more.

Funny how i love playing mind games. Let see who last longer. Actually it doesn't matter. For I am laughing it off. Isn't it the same for you? Love, lust, wonder, find.

Gullible as a phony, frightful as a gladiator, repugnance spells it all.

Just A Dream

2011-02-17T17:53:00.004+08:00

If there's one thing that i could have. Special power or not, i would simply want to be an innocent kid, without any complexity in me. Seriously, knowing nothing, aloof about everything, even looks, its like leading a carefree life. Living each day happily. Concerned with only few subjects from the kindergarten and what's not.

Lies will break apart, eventually truth will be the only thing left.

Shameless

2011-02-16T12:35:00.005+08:00

Isnt it amusing how i hate people who are perfunctory and only contact others only when they are bored or when they need their help, yet to avoid falling into this situation, i totally distant myself away from the people i know so as not to eat my words. Thus i became an introvert. Its tiring to constantly have people walking in and out of your life, just within a finger snap.

There's always a strong contradiction about me. Which makes me unable to make a decision and i don't know what is true or what is make believe in my head. Its not that i don't wish to say what i feel, but once its being processed by the brain, i tend to hold it in the tip of my tongue. Afraid that what i say might change the perception of someone about me. This is what is holding me back. Honestly, i try to keep myself issues free and honest but some are really too sensitive to even talk about.

On a lighter note, 3 tests are down and i am left with 2 major exams, after which, school's over.

Who would stay on with you? And who would ditch you after this trip?

Heart to heart talk anyone? I am up. =)

Use somebody

2011-02-13T01:11:00.008+08:00

A taste of freedom. Its like dove released from their cage.

Looking back, i have changed much throughout poly life, it seems. Mentally, more of it.

Andrik Sim Zhenping, will never forget this big boy that i know. The one who opened the Pandora box. Shaping who i am now. Can't say i love it or i hate it. I am in the grey zone. Conflicting much. My ideologies, my wants, my beliefs.

Throughout poly life, i have known many more people, opening me up to people from all walks of life, pretty much interesting. Gain a few close friends and definitely knowledge. Often wonder how long will all this friendship last.

As for what i have lost, friends definitely. The chance of knowing more people. All these blues are getting into me somehow, i feel weird. Its such an ambivalent feeling. Uneasy, squeasy.

When exam is near, always have this mixed feeling as well. Undue thoughts. Pestering my mind.

Its like the next transition. What should i do? What will i become? Where would i be?

I feel empty without talent. I need to pick up some skills.

Make believe is what we do best.

There Goes The Fear

2011-02-08T23:47:00.005+08:00

Ahh, damn, why does all these have to happened. I am getting bad at comforting others. To be honest, its like i am at a loss for word. Right now, i can only lend my ears to you. I am sorry i couldn't comfort you in any way. Please dun be sad. Thats the last thing i would want to see you be in.

False hope isn't the worse. Its the feeling of being helpless.

Sending Me Angels

2011-01-07T01:05:00.009+08:00

This is such a cool fashion show or whatever you call it.

Recently, i cant be bothered with no shit. Leading such a laid back life makes me feel that when i am old, i don't need to make any adjustments to adapt. Life is more about me, me, me. No more of others. Enough of it.

Hello vintage, where are u when i need you? Why cant i find any of the items that i want to get. This is bullshit.

School's not school. Its plain boring. Impressing others. Fuck it. Messed up cunts. gah, can't wait for school to end.

Time for self improvement. Loss for words.

Fistful of Mercy

2010-12-11T23:30:00.003+08:00

Have u ever tremble and chatter uncontrollably? I have. Rendered incapable of control, try as hard u might, focusing on stopping makes it worse.

Broke my knuckles, awesome much.

Today's work was good, the Whites and their culture is nice. Love the gingerbread house. What's more, the pay is awesome too. =D

Holiday is finally here. But here comes more projects. JUNKHEADS!
Side note, at least fyp is over. Smexy lovely time.

How far can leap of faith take me? When will i plunge?

In My Head

2010-10-20T00:59:00.002+08:00

Most of the time its either to difficult, expensive or scary. It's only once you stopped, that you realised how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there, until you finish it, it will always be a loose end. - How i met your mother.

Its how true this statement is. I think i have always been like this. It just take a setback for me to remain still, lingering in the dark haunted garage. I guess i am just too afraid to move forward, afraid i will hit another bump. Having a new perspective has taken a toll on my life, i am losing sight of everything.

Big time issues with myself.

Senseless

2010-09-25T03:41:00.004+08:00

Knock me cold
Leave me dry
Catch the stars
For it tell signs

Cumulonimbus
The world whisper
Grieve the earth
For it erodes

Human deceit
Feelings ebb
Change takes place
And revolutionised

Jester mask on everyone
Let loose those cries
For we trust fear
Thus retire like all.

Most hit a winner, and forget the losers. Reverse am i.

Fixed At Zero

2010-08-07T00:28:00.003+08:00

Finally, done and dusted with all the projects. 4 weeks before exam. Got to mug for it and score. $400 here i come!

Today is my last 2 presentation, and my NVP presentation is screwed up, but my gems presentation was kind of awesome, since i got an awesome prototype. Designing an alarm clock for the deaf, i came to realise something. How does a handicapped wear things. Especially if they are without arms. Seriously, it might be devastating if it were to befall anyone, yet the courage they took to live on is awe-inspiring. Whereas for me, i have been pessimistic for so many years, and even have no wish to live, when they are those who would jump at any chance just to be like me. Ought to be ashamed of myself. Let me just share a poem about deaf people. Take a few minute to read it. :)

If a deaf child lives with criticism, He/She learns to condemn.
If a deaf child lives with hostility, He/She learns to fight.
If a deaf child lives with ridicule, He/She learns to be shy.
If a deaf child lives with shame, He/She learns to feel guilty.
If a deaf child lives with tolerance, He/She learns to be patient.
If a deaf child lives with encouragement, He/She learns confidence.
If a deaf child lives with praise, He/She learns to appreciate.
If a deaf child lives with fairness, He/She learns justice.
If a deaf child lives with security, He/She learns to have faith.
If a deaf child lives with approval, He/She learns to like themselves.
If a deaf child lives with acceptance and friendship, He/She learns to find love in the world.

By Mike Wilson.

Fickle like a dancing flame.

The Birthday Song

2010-07-17T00:27:00.004+08:00

Life has been superbly hectic even when my birthday inch closer and closer, i could hardly take a breather. Yesterday i got a cake from Rive Gauche, it was pretty good. Birthday is losing meaning to me, my family sang Birthday song for me, but it just seems like i am lost in my own emotions, it doesnt make any sense to me. Drained of all the happy emotions, is this life?

On a happier note, Thank you Meiying for giving me the present, really appreciate it. ;) I want to meet you soon! haha.. I guess i am not good at showing my emotions nowadays. And i also want to say, your hair is damn sexy/cool or any other positive adjective you can think of.

Last note, just a mindfucking rhetorical question. Is it better to have best friends who doesnt even remember your birthday, or feel happy that friends who are not that close makes it a point to remember your birthday? I guess i found my answer in the way i phrase this question. Seriously, you makes my day. =)
P.S. Why do ppl get paranoid and try to mindfucked others?

When will i reach Mt. Epiphany? Don't wish to get caught in this loop.

I Never Told You

2010-06-26T01:59:00.003+08:00

Some updates,

Been wasting two weeks away, not really knowing what i have been doing. Other than gyming, working, dota-ing, watching anime and lets see, sleeping. Super routine and mundane life. Crap.

Hanging out with Cy and Kc more due to gyming. Would be awesome to lead this perfect life with nothing to worry but more than often, good things doesn't last.

Anyway, school's starting and i just have to sprained my neck today while gyming. FML. Will update soon after i finish reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Quite a good novel and some stuff i did like to share with everyone, or anyone who even reads my blog.

Why do i still yearn to talk to you? Senseless.

Emergency

2010-05-20T15:43:00.003+08:00

Yesterday went to club at Phuture, it was a wild night, so wild that i dun even know that i even entered the club. Tsk, drank 2 bottles of Chivas, and KO-ed! WTM siol. My memory stops there and kick start when i woke up this morning lying on the floor of my living room.

Yet again, for the 3rd consecutive week, i failed to have breakfast with Pearle! wth is wrong siol.

Whoever knows what happens yesterday, please tell me, cause i havent had a clue as to what the shit happened! Ciao.

Fabricated life.

BLANK

2010-04-23T19:38:00.006+08:00

The fact that often in life, the best decisions are the ones that are ludicrous. We make stupid decisions all the time, but life is funny and sometimes a little mystical, it could take a stupid decision into something entirely different. That's how life keeps us in a loop.

He could not take it much longer, it always happen when someone close came back. Drifting is like the norm that he could no longer feel much. He began recalling everything that happened throughout his quirky and intolerable life. A master of nothing and a dummy for everything. His life is drunk and decayed.

He knew lots of girl, but not many kept in contact and none thinks of him the other way. Not that he care much anyway, since he have failed so many times that his inner heart has become torpid from the poignant agonies.

The dark cloud overpowered the sky today, and at the first lightning he saw, he felt restless but after a few seconds, his chiseled face brightens, his chapped lips twitched, forming a slight glee, for once his eyes sparkled with joy at the compelling thought of having the lightning strike down on the bus that he was in. What relief he would have felt by abandoning his hard shell, how magnificent that would be and he would marvel at his own body from another perspective. Though maybe all these, he would, regret in years to come.

Everything seems to stir his thoughts, grouchiness is what is most physical to him. But at the same instance, he felt pleased as he could concentrate on his studies. He needs to know new people, maybe S, though the chance is infinitesimal.

Take the plunged and run away no matter how tired it will be.

Summer Loves

2010-04-04T00:37:00.008+08:00

Updates & Accomplishment in my life for this holiday. (Constantly Edited)

1. Club on the 27/3 with Jeremy and Violet, it was quite fine. Rebel: clean and troubleless night. =D

2. Club again on the 31/3 with the usual clubbing clique, yet again, Rebel. =D Nearly got into trouble yet again, somehow, i am like some fight magnet.

3. Rebel nite out yet again on the 14/4 with the usual. ;) Pretty decent for the nite. And i realised, throughout this itp, thursday is cursed, am always late.

4. Celebrated Desmond Birthday on the 3th of April, totally awesome, super awesome crab and wine drinking. Not forgetting the durian session.

5. Done with 'Veronika Decides To Die'

6. Soon to be done with 'Catch-22'

7. Aint gonna club anytime soon, hopefully. I know, abstain from drinking is impossible. Spot on by violet. tsk. (ALL TALK!) (FAILED BADLY!) TSK!

8. Having dates with ppl every week. =D All were good and fun.

9. Gotta start saving now! Splurging on food and unnecessary stuff will have to be reduced.

10. Shopping for clothes needs to be done soon. Basic tees maybe, since i am entering NS in a year time anyway. HAH!

The constant thought, the mindless ponder, the night dims, nothing changed. Totally bewildered by my own fallacies.

Keep the faith

2010-03-28T22:48:00.002+08:00

For those who thinks i write bullshit, pls dun read it nor comment or watsoever, oh, flaming me doesnt make u any better.. heh! Just my two-cents..

Religion is believing in something that doesnt exist, or maybe some would argue that "YES, IT EXIST" but really, where's ur proof? The bible? Or people who have seen god? And oh, i forgot, those who have seen god are blinded by his holy light.. So really, is there god? People who believe in god says that big bang theory have no proof, thus cannot be true, but wat abt god? Proof? BIBLE? Dun tell me bible, bible is written by ppl.. If i were to rewrite the bible exactly like any other bible, am i one of the messenger of god too? Think abt it.. People believe in god because they need something to fall back on when something happens, but in another perspective, its making use of god, are u guys really believing in god existence, or simply believing in some unknown faith that it will blessed you and guide u through ur life..

People who believe in that should also think, are you really living ur life then, regrets that many don't even realise even after they pass on, comforming to the society and not daring to achieve what you guys dream of, hopes for..

There's no correct or wrong answer in many things, and its a matter of who is 'right'. Right in the sense that the things are what the majority of the population believes in, the one able to imposed his ideas to the world 'win'. Thats how religion spread.

Also, faith in god.. Can ur faith grow stronger without first doubting god? The answer is clearly and simply a 'NO!', if u have trust and faith in god, there wont be any doubt in thy Him, so there wont be any stronger faith or trust.

Lastly, miracles happens and everyone put it on god, but when something misfortunate happens, its still god, because god have a plan for everyone. Thats what u guys are thinking, but really, u guys are merely beautifying the ugly truth, the truth that u guys hate and don't wish to find out, for that the fact might collapsed ur belief and leave you in a crumbling sanctuary.

Faith is for the weak, but everyone is weak, the search for building the perfect controversy.

Degradation to conform

2010-02-11T00:02:00.006+08:00

Just a quick post.

Now i realised why am i so retarded in front of everyone now. Everyone is so stupid that there's a need for me to conform to this flawed society. Its a must have skill that one have to bring almost anywhere in order to survive.. To build rapport with dimwits and to converse with them, one has to lower their level of intelligence to match the rest. How stupid i really am to even try to feign stupidity just to not appear out of the norm.

So please, if you wish to converse with me, at least be intellectually inclined if not just mum off.. =) Oh, i dropped my pretentious front..

P.S. Hawaii sunk.

Back to basic.

Denial

2010-02-03T02:23:00.003+08:00

Ain't we all leaving in denial? Faking constantly, with unlimited masks put on to concealed our naked self.. Human we might be, our mind are unfathomable. It's so tiring to fake it everytime you see someone or something yet the feel you get has already changed.. Yet you dun wish to let go for the fact you might feel bad for ditching or that you will regret in the future.. We often complicate our thoughts and sink into despair.. I am really tired pretending to be who i am not, i am sick of myself, sick of how i am.. Really, what is friend? Do i have friend? Friend, it just seems more and more vague to me, it seems like a physical fallback.. Do we even need friend? Maybe i am taking every friend for granted, so much so that everyone seems like acquaintances to me.. But really, friend, to simplify everything, its just a 'tool' in one's life.. Really, its just people complicating it and finding excuses like friends will be there for you when you are down.. This merely round down to what i say, 'tool'. Maybe i am just being cynical, but yea, thats wat i am holding on to right now.. Beautifying the ugly truth.. Maybe i will distant away from my friends again, lead a normadic life rather than a stable life when in the end when we part, we wont feel that sad.. I am sick of changing but i am just too sensitive abt everything..

Another thing, promises, promises are just dillusionary self comforting sentences. We often promise things we wont do eventually, like playing mind games with one another and see who will win.. Pointless stuff.. I shall stop making promises as well.. I dun wish to be a corny mumhead as well.. I am starting to hate it..

Sorry, if it comes to that day.

This Calling

2010-01-13T23:23:00.005+08:00

Totally perfect.

I have realised, people often say what they don't mean, dare what they don't do. Seriously, gutless mothballs, do what you preach, empty talks just disgust me so much. Just shut your mouth and reflect on your life. Sidenote, the next person who sits in front of me and purposely tries to irritate me while i eat, i will smash my food in your MUMING NUTCASE FACE.

All those whines aside, it seems as though i have fallen deeper, like a dead soul living in a very much alive body. Death seem to resonate in my ears. Staring at the mrt tracks somehow enticed me more than ever to move closer to it and the thought of dying just delights me.

Let's distant. It's the calling. I just need a break from everything and everyone.

Ambiguity speaks. STUB.

This is for you

2009-11-28T01:20:00.010+08:00

PEARLE & ME!

Alrite pearle, I have decided to delicate this post to you.. =))))))) Awww, see how much u meant to me.. HAHA..

Its been 1 year 7 months and 14 days since we first met and knew each other.. Over this period of time, we have had ups and downs, we have grown from being strangers to close friends.. Whenever i feel that our friendship would ceased, meeting you always reassure me that our friendship would continue. You nvr fail to liven up the situation.. I like ur carefree attitude and the fact that you are one of the most daring friend i ever had.. HAHA, being with you nvr fail to make me alive.. =D The things we share with each other is limitless.. Sensitive issues is like casual chats..

I am just gonna be blatant in this post.. hehe.. My friends recently asked me what type of gals i like, because they totally have no idea what kind of gals get me interested, and i also dun really know which type, but now i realised, you are the type of gal i like, not saying its you but ur character and such.. Very enticing.. haha.. Somehow.. Maybe mingling too much with you certainly influenced me subconsciously.. HAHA.. But nonetheless, you are a cool gal.. hehe.. Knowing you is a bliss.. THANKS FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD FRIEND.. PEARLE, YOU ARE LOVED! =))

P.S We shall party soon.. =)

Beyond boundaries.

Jumper

2009-11-25T20:53:00.002+08:00

Alrite, lets start of with overdue stuff like hitting Phuture.. The experience there aint that good as well. Rebel is still the love.. Last week, on friday, hit the pub Spyderz with Jem, Pearle, Yucong, Benji and Cheryl.. It was her aunt's pub? Correct me if i am wrong.. =X So yea, one of the best time i had hanging out in a pub.. Even though the place is not very clean and the ambience is kinda dull, but still, with the right company, it just made up for it.. =D

This few days, had been rushing through reports, finally done with everything, a load off my mind.. But i have been missing sleep, so end up, i missed lessons for two straight days.. I even went to sch today just to eat subway cookies before heading home.. How cool is that? =.= Tonight shall be a nite out for me, not to pub nor club, but to study and head to sch tml.. HEHE.. Also a way to not be late for sch.. =D

I also realised, when people have their true friends, they ditch their friends for them no matter wat the situation is.. And then, they try to make it out to the friends.. Being selfish, wanting things to only be better and better for them.. And when they finally get the best that they can get, they ditch the rest.. This is just human nature, aint it?

I just wanna chill, relax and slow down my pace now.. Everytime i head out now, is either to a pub or club.. When will this stop, even though i think secretly i am a hedonist.. I am addicted to it.. I need a dose of it every now and then..

On the side note, i will study hard and do well for my test..

I just want to take a break from this hectic yet vapid life that i have.. Ironic ain't it..

Some say

2009-11-08T22:17:00.004+08:00

This week have been a fun-filled weekend.. The best weekend i have ever had for so long, makes me feel very much alive..

Starting frm friday, hanged out with Pearle, Violet, Yilin and Jeremy at Plaza Singapura then had Sakae Sushi for dinner.. I was dared 10 plates of 'Chuka Hotate' after gorging down tons of sushi.. And wat is my reward for that? A peck frm Violet.. And Jeremy also got a peck for eating 7 plates of sushi.. Its violet's lucky day.. HAHA.. Though its nothing much but it shows how daring and my frenz are ppl who keeps their word.. Very thankful i have friends that are so trustworthy and bears similar frequency as me..

Saturday, went to grandma hse for dinner and to catch up with my relatives.. The feeling of family warmth.. Whats more, its also a time when u can totally let your guards down with nothing to be wary of.. This is wat i want next time as well, a family person i guess..

Sunday, soccer as usual, and evening was the time to meet Amanda, went to eat prata at Thomson Road, awesome stuff.. After which head to Liquid Kitchen to chill and chat as usual.. Amanda said this to me, 'You are not someone who is very handsome but u give gals a feeling that they feel very comfortable being with you.. Three years down the road and i am sure more gals will be into you, you have the assets and the capabilities..' Hmmm, hopefully my life will be like wat she says..

Its really great to have friends like Amanda and Pearle.. People that shares thoughts and bared their souls without having to conceal much from one another.. Maybe on the search of myself, i am actually crafting myself..

Boundaries hinders progress. Break through the horizon. =)

Back at one

2009-11-01T08:37:00.003+08:00

Alright, back from Powerhouse, would say its an utter disappointment.. Spend so much time queuing and cabbing ard.. My 3rd time so far and the worse clubbing experience ever, a major turn off.. Saw hui chin and her homies and etc.. But other than that, nothing much worth mentioning..

One word to describe me, 'Irascible' would be the most appropriate word right now.. Everything just seems to pissed me off.. I seem to be pushing my luck so very often that in my sub conscious mind, i just hope to get bash up someday and just lay motionless on the ground.. I wonder whether that will make me feel more alive..

Beneath all these facade front, i am just an hollow shell with nothing to look forward or strive for.. I hate being undefined, finding myself has always been my priority for so long and yet the result i get is just another round about.. I just wish to be a decent student chilling ard being low profile but at the end of the day, i do the extreme stuff that makes me more prominent.. Whats worse is that i have no close friends since i shape shift into another person when hanging out with different groups of ppl.. Maybe i am just an angry hedonist..

Apart from that, there are so many uncouth faggots out there and yes, i am ashamed to say i am one of them but seriously, once u show a frail side, ppl will tend to take advantage of u, its just human nature.. Since ancient time, we are just making use of one another to reach our goals, in a way or another, its a reality that is unavoidable.. Life is so much of an irony, and the endless cycle of hypocrisy just makes me wish that Armageddon happens right now so everyone will just fade to black..

Alright, back to studying before heading for soccer.. =D Influx of thoughts are gushing into my head so much that i cant relate myself well.. All are just my two cents..

Life cease, love wanes.

Chalk Line

2009-10-31T18:50:00.004+08:00

After reading someone's blog, i am awe strucked.. Its very enriching and true..

Before i type this post, i asked Pearle one question,
-Nick- Where will this lead to? STUB.. says:
do u consider me as someone who knows lots of gals, or someone who knows few gals..
Pearle 45 says:
hmm a guy who knows alot of girls.

But i have few frenz that are gals that i keep in contact with.. Everyone seems to be passerby in my life..

So actually, it is just to rebut the fact that not only someone who knows few gals tend to think that every new gal that meet is a potential gf, but someone who knows lots of gals can also have that same thinking.. Personally i have known a number of people who are like that. In fact i wont rule myself out frm this as well.. Its just the desire and such that can totally distort the sanity of a person.

'No money, No honey. Thats how fucking practical girls are these days! You got no car, they tell u, 'Oh sorry, i got sth on', you got the car, they ask u, 'dude wana chill in town?' wtf -.-" back when u were in secondary, u'd go town via public transport, now if no one picks you up, you declare urself home-bound.'
Adapted from a friend's blog..

I find the above paragraph very true.. Or more or less along that line.. Material gains is all people talks abt now, majority, and yes, its a stereotype here.. But its also a fact, who doesnt seek for material gains and wealth in this days.. The slightest way possible, everyone is a part of this.. =)

And everyone talks abt equality, but who in the first place aint the least bit racist or sexist.. Even when a gal says that guys and gals are equal, but in their subconscious mind, its still mildly skewed towards the fact that guy shld do this and that..

Everything is just by a chalk line..

Now i shall hit the club, 'Powerhouse'. =) Till then..

Easily blurrified or erased. Where would this lead us to?

Another Song About The Weekend

2009-10-17T00:55:00.004+08:00

Let me just blog one last time before sch starts on this coming monday.. The time is up, sch's back with the same usual routine for me.. Screwed..

Didnt achieve much at all this hols.. And kinda amazing how i source for ppl and its always a success.. =))) Awesome..

Aint life tiring revolving ard being superficial, materialistic, stereotyping and judging one another.. It makes us look like we were ill educated.. Actually, who can really judge, no one.. Everyone falls into a certain criteria somewhere.. Not even monk, nun, pope or watever and whoever be excluded frm this.. Even the saint or god sin.. Who is to say and know wat and how satan is? How can we be so sure satan is evil and not kind and watsoever.. People who have this thinking in their head, think again, u know wat u are? You guys are merely stereotyping and showing how superficial humanity is.. How well u ppl know abt God, who knows 'God' might actually be the Devil spreading blasphemy abt 'Satan' which might be the real God. Its just how we perceive things.. For those who know me and wish to retort abt this, yes, i am an atheist(not a pagan), but i am saying in the view of a neutral person.. Think abt it before u comment..

That aside, school life, shall get ready for my DOPING school life.. woots.. Feeling all high and happy with my awesomely screwed timetable.. NAWT! Screw school.. Lets hope for the better though.. =D Life is always filled with pretty lies to cover those deep cuts within ourselves.. Shall enjoy and make full use of my weekend.. =)

P.S. Did i forget to mention that catalog is my new love..

Let's be true to ourselves. They are like my checklist, my field reports.. Damned, losing it..

First & Foremost

2009-10-07T01:40:00.003+08:00

LET's BEGIN WITH FUN STUFF!
30/9(Wed) was my ALPHA nite @ REBEL! This is the point when my holiday takes a turn from boredom to more than simply awesome.. 2 bottles of chivas and off we hit the dance floor.. WOOTS!

On the same week, 3/10(Sat), we hit the same club again due to Social House being cluttered with CHINKS! GOD, but nevertheless its yet another awesome nite out.. Just 1 bottle of chiva this time.. Its been hell of a crazy nite for everyone.. But we wont relent, we will still do it sometime.. Watch us peeps..

To summarise: 1week, 2 days, 3 bottles.. GAH.. 'What happens in the club, stays in the club' Carry this whenever we go, we all have our own mess in it so we leave it as it is and not sprout all these around like wild flame..

As for my hols, its definitely monotonous. Its sick actually.. Sleep at 5-6 am and wake at 3-5 pm. Finally cleared 'Heroes' and 'Hanazakari No Kimitachi E'.. TOTALLY AWESOME AND HILARIOUS.. Hanazakari is a must watch.. Somehow, i felt lonely throughout this hols until this past week and after watching Hanazakari.. Guess all this somehow changed my life, slowly, but definitely undergoing metamorphosis.. 2 weeks more to the start of my dreadful school semester.. Gotta do as much as i can and be done with my guitar and 2 books.. Tentatively, this shall be it..

You don't have a place, you are out of the game.

My Life For Hire

2009-09-01T20:38:00.004+08:00

Finally exams are over, even though i won't do that well, i am not daunted by it.. I am taking it too easily i guess.. Before my exam ends, i was occupied with overwhelming thoughts, so much so that one would feels an assorted variety of emotions at the same moment.. It just crashes your mind, and before one knows it, it malfunctioned..

Why things turned out this way, this still perturbs me after so long, i fucking hate it.. It's like a tug at my heartstring whenever i am browsing through my memory bank.. It is as if memories of you occupies the most prominent room just by the corridor, Influx of memories often revolves around you somehow, but i know that all these won't revert back, its like a widening gap that can't be mend.. I kinda hate the fact that i still hope to talk to you but its impossible anymore.. Why had all these had to happened? Totally screwed..

Lets not drown this post with solitude and sorrowness, that is if, any was sensed.. Currently, its holiday, so i have planned a routine for myself.. Hopefully i can achieve what i planned.. Hopefully i have work as well..

Everyday, Guitar.. Tuesday - Learn guitar from friend as well.. Read more novels.. Every saturday jog and stuff in the morning.. Every night it will be drama series.. Hopefully, i am able to find job so that it could fund me for tons of things like trips to taiwan, ITP(Vietnam), japan, and of course, SLR.. TRUCKLOAD OF WISHLIST NOW, how i wish i strike lottery or have tons of job opening for me.. Anyone, hire me please.. =D PROJECT S.A.V.E!

Tml it shall be another day out, I wonder how am i supposed to achieve this project save.. Grrr.. Nvm, i shall start another bank account and deposit my money inside.. =D My funds for good stuff.. =D Shall end it here.. =) Be back soon.. =)))

What wouldn't be of me without you.

P.S. I think i am losing more than i am gaining..

Dawn of Anguish

2009-08-15T17:44:00.002+08:00

Alrite, everything seems screwed for me, ppl seems kinda fucked up to me.. I get pissed off and frustrated easily.. Some things i realised, ppl come to you when they need help and when you needed help, they fool around with you and what's worse, some preach at you for FUCK SAKE and think they are fucking god damn matured.. SERIOUSLY, just fuck off and suck ur mother fucking pride up.. Oh, to continue with what i said, they FUCKING FOOL around with you and still not help you, divert you to someone else to seek for help.. ALL THESE FUCK UP PPL, JUST FUCK UR OWN LIFE and die.. Am i also fooling around too much that i am giving others the impression that i am merely air-headed, stupid, fucked up, irritating.. I think i am, so i should just shut the fuck up and be serious from now on..

I finally found something, and somehow after reading it, thoughts, memories started gushing into me yet again.. FUCKED.. Is it because of me? I hope not.. Shouldnt have gone so far, so we wouldnt fall so hard.. Maybe its just me.. Nevertheless, i just hope you will have more friends and enjoy your great life.. =)

Maybe i am losing friends faster than i expect, or maybe i should say, realising i am losing friends.. WHAT THE FUCK do i really want? I am just too frustrated to study for my exams.. FUCK!

Unravel the obscure. Memory lapse.

Sunday Morning

2009-07-04T22:20:00.004+08:00

WOOTS! ENDED EXAMS.. I SIMPLY ROCK.. THIS WEEKEND IS FILLED WITH ACTIVITES.. =D Oh, today i went to play soccer at THE CAGE, and and and i broke my spectacle.. FUCK! yea, thats the word.. As usual, whenever i play at THE CAGE, i nvr fail to break my spectacle.. And today, i broke it because we were chasing for a ball, and due to the fact that the floor was slippery, my fren slipped, and hit his head against mine.. Freak.. Oh, here comes poker tonight and tml, yet again is SOCCER.. =D SHIOK.. And also, BUFFET.. Nice.. haha..
P.S Sunday morning is doped.. haha..

You appeared in my mind every now and then..

Clean Breaks

2009-06-08T01:13:00.004+08:00

This week and next week is gonna be hectic for me.. Yesterday went drinking, awesome much.. Shared our thoughts with one another, drank tequila.. RC seems tipsy, Jerry went into his slumber after a few cup since he got to work the next day, Jeremy and YC seems fine.. But for me, got a little high i guess, and super tired, but i still have control over myself..

Departed at 3.. Making our way home one by one.. Took NR6.. Crapped, fell asleep and got chased down the bus at 43o+.. In the end i cab back home, only to realise the lousy cab doesnt accept nets, so have to withdraw money at the nearest ATM to pay for the fare.. Right after i withdrew the money, i puked like crap, the first time i puked after drinking.. God screw it.. Wake up and went for soccer.. Feeling groggy though.. IT fair is coming, woohoo.. =D Shiok shiok..

Better start studying and do my projects if not i am so going to be buried alive.. Figuratively.. =D

You are such an escapist.. Even though somewhat i knew things would turn out this way i still go ahead with it, but u of all people, chose to escape and think that it would be good and all.. Deem me as an asshole or wat i dun care, but dun u think u are a little too immature? I bet i will be ur topic of 'this guy used to like me and stuff.' Its just so you to do all this but i dun really care..

Maybe i just wasn't that into you.. Avoidance is your forte, acceptance is mine..

A word compo..

2009-06-02T01:48:00.003+08:00

DIU!

I screwed myself up badly.. And i am at a dilemma..

3-6-9

2009-05-31T22:38:00.004+08:00

After the chat yesterday, i think i have found my resolve.. When i came back at 2+ in the morning, i dun feel tired at all. It seems as if u are constantly feeding me ample amount of energy to stay awake.. At 5 in the morning when i tried to slp, i couldnt, you seem to have bought all the tickets of the train as my train of thoughts was filled with u, u alone takes up most if not all of my thoughts. It was a nite of reminiscence. I realised that you were the only one that i can be my usual self with. We share the same frequency and character.. And i am sure you have nvr realised i liked you for a period of time and i always thought that it was because we were too close with each other that i felt that way so i tried to distant from you. All seems fine, until i met you again. I dunno why i felt the awkwardness and i bet you felt it as well, its like a mutual thing. And suddenly i was treated as a non-existent by you. You are the first person to make me go back on my words and throw my pride away to try to get you back.. Somehow, you made me go all over you though you dun even care if we would ever rebound. Questions of me and you together occasionally pops into my head and made me wonder. The actions that you do is able to affect my mood totally, its as if i am under some kind of drug. After distancing from you, i realised i seldom contact any other gals as well.. Whenever, i see ur msg now, it nvr fails to bring a smile across my face, sometimes during class i will juz laugh to myself for no apparent reason. I felt really comfortable being with you and that i dun care wat would become of us in the future, but now, i will try my best to get you back as a fren or maybe more than just fren. I have planned something but it all depends on how u reacts.

I have my resolve, are you juz going to continue this?

Hallelujah

2009-05-31T02:09:00.003+08:00

This few weeks had been rough for me and today was relieving.. And i spent ard $100 yesterday.. =x felt so bad.. Today i went for bbq gathering and straight after that, PRATA session.. Totally awesome.. Never felt so good for quite a long time.. Very insightful indeed.. Have many more thoughts and ideas running through my mind, totally kept me awake at this hour of time.. Had a clearer picture of where i shld go and wat i shld do.. Alrite, shall finish my journal now..

We hit it off well, but can we end it well?

Suffocating Under Words Of Sorrow (What Can I Do)

2009-05-23T00:01:00.003+08:00

Seriously, I did wat i could to get u back, but ur aloofness makes me feel like you dun give a fucking damn at all.. Fine, escape all u want.. If this is wat u want, fine, go ahead with it.. I shant bother no more till u come and find me.. Had enough, ur indifference to wat i do seriously deafens me like never before.. Affect me in every single way. I seriously cannot think of anything more that i can do to rectify.

On a lighter note, went out with Meiying today to watch Angels & Demons, awesome much though they changed the last branding to something uncool.. =.= Bought my clothes as well, now the only thing left to do is to send it for printing.. =D Saw desmond and we somewhat had a mini telepathic conversation which kinda made me laugh.. =x haha..

What can i seriously do?

Makes Me Wonder

2009-05-21T02:07:00.007+08:00

Gratitude.

(I will be the first in the queue for this)

I threw my pride away and bite my own tongue for wat i said, but u still choose to escape without giving me a reason. Now i have to lay in it and deal with things left unsaid. I wonder if it makes a difference if i continue to try. Little did i know the effects you had on me would be so drastic but i still hope you are living happily. Thank you for being such a good friend to me and that you will never be replaced. Even though things turn out this way, Things i learnt from you or wat have turned out now had made me realised and understand much more. We might never even talk, or even meet each other but when you need me, i will be there for you. How true is this, 'Love the heart that hurts you the most , but never hurt the heart that loves you the most'.

Lost & Found.

Just a little too not over you

2009-05-17T01:01:00.002+08:00

N used to be one of E's best friend and also the first to date E out. But things spiralled so horrendously that they were treating each other as non-existent even though they didnt even have bad blood or quarrels or anything b4.. Its juz awfully weird.. N felt that things will nvr be the same again but P encourage N to try and rectify this instead of looking back and regret in the future. N might grab this chance or let go. Recently, it havent been going well for N, everything seems to come crashing on him. Today he realised it kinda prick him when he discovered something abt M. Scandals of N and E still lurks but no one knows that behind the scene N used to carry a torch for M. Much to his surprised, denial and bewilderment, he dunno whether this torch has extinguished or is it still flickering discreetly. M better takekaire of herself.

On a lighter note, i went for camp today.. Awesome.. Did not interact much though.. =X

A lifetime to bind, a second to change..

Story Of A Girl

2009-05-10T23:37:00.007+08:00

Awkwardness

Calla used to blossom prettily under the care of a girl and a boy who were quite close, until the girl left for her overseas undertaking. When the girl was back, however, did not inform the boy but left the boy alone to tend the Calla. When the time the boy discovered the girl was back, he also realised that the Calla were withering. It was his decision to leave the Calla to wither than to minister since he felt that its pointless. When the girl went back to the Calla, she tried to revivify the Calla, but soon came to realize that its too much for her to do it alone. Recently, the boy and the girl met again, and flashback of the Calla came back to the boy and the girl. Now that the Calla is on the brink of death, the only way to regenerate is to have a little miracle, but is it even possible?

Enough said, now that sch have started and having to cope with work and cca, I am so busy that I am flustered as to whether I can juggle another cca even though at this rate, I will crumble with a doubt, which is something I cannot afford to.

Are u replacable? I doubt so.. You are one of a kind, but its sad that we turned out this way.

A day of awkwardness, a lifetime of remembrance.

A Walking Irony

Discern

Well, That's The Thing

Dust On The Ground

Miss or Not, No Matter

Talking To The Moon

In The Sun

Under The Influence

Baby, Its Fact

Poker Face

Have You Ever

The Dead Poet

Monster

Casanova

Pain

When Epilepsy Was Non-existent

Harder To Breathe

Through Struggles

The Shades Of Poison Trees

The Last Goodbye

Part Of Me Wonders

I'm So Tired

Terrified

Opportunity To Cry

Sometimes

Promises, Promises

Let Me Go

I Need A Doctor

Teenage Angst

I'm Sorry

I Melt With You

You Can Do Better

M.I.L.F

Don't Work Yourself Up

Numb

Two Guys (For Every Girl)

Take Me Out

The Ballad Of Mona Lisa

The Other Side

Something About You #2

Our Generation

Something About You

I Fall All Over Again

Haunted

Friends

Like Or Like Like

Mr Curiosity

Rescue Me

No Regrets

Stupid For You

My Last

Stay Close Don't Go

Decode

Breakaway

Fuck Was I

Don't Get It Twisted

Brighter than Sunshine

What's A Clock Without The Batteries

I'm Into Something Good

If life was a medley

Then

I Can Do Better

Were Gonna Have Us A Champagne Jam

Make A Plan To Love Me (Or Break Me) *Or Do Nothing*

Mind Games

Just A Dream

Shameless

Use somebody

There Goes The Fear

Sending Me Angels

Fistful of Mercy

In My Head

Senseless

Fixed At Zero

The Birthday Song

I Never Told You

Emergency

BLANK

Summer Loves

Keep the faith

Make A Plan To Love Me (Or Break Me) Or Do Nothing